Nonviolent Communication is not a panacea that solves all problems—and yet, NVC has a critical role to play!

NVC is uniquely positioned to address extremism because it focuses on uncovering the unmet needs beneath human behaviors.

In NVC, every action is seen as an attempt to meet needs, whether security, significance, community, or something else.

By shifting the focus from judgment (“this person is dangerous”) to curiosity (“what needs are they trying to meet?”), NVC creates opportunities for understanding and constructive dialogue. …

At its heart, extremism often stems from unmet human needs. These could include needs for safety, belonging, meaning, purpose, autonomy, and/or significance.

(With regard to the last one, significance, I include it here both in the sense of mattering as well as in the sense of having power in your world. Many people have lost a sense of their needs mattering within social and political structures, as distinct from but often along with, a sense of powerlessness to address what is not working).

When these needs are persistently unfulfilled, individuals understandably give in to a temptation to meet them through rigid ideologies or groups that promise meaning, acceptance, or power.

When I say “understandably” it’s because…

Denise: When I first learned about the executive orders issued on Inauguration Day, I felt sick to my stomach. I was outraged and so very sad. I could not reconcile the reality of these words with the incomprehensibility of their intent. After a month of more government pronouncements and actions, I still find it hard. Bryn: We think the following piece reflects the heart and deep consciousness of NVC, as well as offers specific ideas for how our NVC tools can be useful during this intense time. We hope you will also find it inspiring and helpful.

The following excerpts are from an article written for PuddleDancer Press called “Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Address the Roots and Impacts of Extremism” by Alan Rafael Seid, a CNVC Certified Trainer. …

The arrival of a new year is often a time for looking ahead: making resolutions, identifying needs or values to live by, choosing theme words to give focus, and planning for activities and trips we want to make happen. I intend to do a few of these and enjoy envisioning my life in a larger context than the day-to-day.

I’ve also been thinking back on this year and recalling meaningful events. … Life flies by and many important moments can be forgotten. At 75, I’m very aware of this! I invite you to look back on the year and pick out experiences you want to carry with you. …

This is the season when nostalgia can easily trigger the sensation of regret. Regretting can be complicated, for sure. The inner critic sometimes makes it into a story about what’s wrong with us or how foolish we are. It will use regret as proof that we’re not good enough. It might be helpful to separate the workings of the inner critic from the voice of regret—pull them apart, so to speak. …

Typically, at this time of year, we request donations to support our work, but this year is different. We’re writing to thank you for your support and to announce we are no longer accepting contributions.

As the year comes to a close and we turn the page to 2025, the Center for Compassionate Living (CCL) is also turning a page: We will no longer be offering classes and workshops.

However, we’re pleased to continue to host practice groups as we move forward, plus contribute content to our website and send monthly newsletters as time allows.

When CCL was founded 18 years ago, we saw an opportunity to share the life-changing gifts of Compassionate / Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in Central Oregon. …

Not all roads in life are smoothly paved, as we know. Some are muddy or gravelly or have huge ditches. Sometimes trees have fallen across them or there are live wires nearby. These challenging times can become part of the inner voice that reminds us that bad things happen.

This same voice tells us that terrible things will probably continue to happen, and this worry pushes us to figure out how we can try to prevent them. It’s how the brain’s negativity bias works. …

I recently wrote an article titled “Do something!” The gist was if we have an unmet need, the action step of NVC—the request—is how we meet the need and how we move from frustration and helplessness toward satisfaction and relief.

For much of my life, I felt helpless when my needs were not met. NVC changed my life by teaching me that I can take action to meet my needs. … If taking a step to meet a need seems to be more than we can manage, then perhaps the first step is to build capacity. …

To introduce this article written by Roxy Manning, PhD, I’d like to share a short story about racism and innocence.

Many years ago, I was at the General Assembly for the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA). The speaker that day was Rev. Rebecca Parker, who was at that time president of the UUA. During her talk, she shared an experience she had while attending a conference on racism.

In one of the workshops, the two presenters, both African American women historians, spoke about the political history of Black women in the United States. …

A few days ago I received a newsletter from Rick Hanson, PhD entitled “Feed the Wolf of Love.”

It provides a helpful reminder (especially during this election season)…

“Do something!”

You may have heard these words in connection with Kamala Harris and Michelle Obama’s recent Democratic National Convention speeches. They urged people who might be discouraged or distressed by political events to “Do something!” Take action to address the situation rather than feel hopeless.

I think of, “Do something” as a doable request, the fourth step in Nonviolent Communication. “Do something” is an action that can be asked of yourself or someone else to meet the needs you would like to have met.  …

I’d like to share a recommendation from my dear friend, Eliza: To Be In Awe— WISDOM from a 96-year-old. This film features Dot Fisher-Smith, an elder from Ashland, Oregon. She's invited to speak about her life today, and I think she does this with a great deal of beauty, calm, and awe. …

Today I’m passing along a link to a podcast I came across and often revisit: People I (Mostly) Admire.

This episode in particular—Pay Attention! (Your Body Will Thank You)—was eye-opening because it helped me realize how I’ve been carrying around various stories blocking me from seeing who I truly can be.

In this case, it was my experience of being 70 years old. I didn’t realize I’d told myself a story about being 70—about what happens when you’re this age, i.e., “It’s all downhill from here,” and how life will get progressively harder. …

“You make me so mad!” “It’s your fault I’m cranky!” “You ruined my day!”

In our culture we have patterns of speech and thought that give other people responsibility for our feelings, i.e., “You make me feel; he makes me feel; I made her feel…” That thinking creates a lot of disconnection between us and within ourselves.

In the consciousness of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we aren’t the cause of someone’s feelings. The cause is needs being met or unmet. …

I was going through some of the newsletter articles we’ve collected on our website when I came across this poem,: “Peace is This Moment Without Judgment,” by Dorothy Hunt, which is worth sharing again.

Peace is this moment without judgment. So, without expectations and blame. Without shoulds, have-to’s, and musts. And without trying to be something I am not.

In this poem, the poet tells us that the heart space is the place where everything is welcome. This can be challenging because not everything that arrives here is happy and wonderful. …

When Covid came along in March 2020, our way of life at the Center for Compassionate Living (CCL) came to an abrupt halt. In-person practice groups, classes, and workshops were on hiatus. Thankfully, it was not too long before we learned about Zoom—and we were gratefully reconnected with many in our community. Four years later, we are still Zooming with participants from an array of geographic locations.

Donations from our community (and a pre-Covid healthy bank balance) have kept us going. However, our bank balance is now less than feels comfortable, so we’re reaching out for support.. …

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how the dictum “work before play” made sure that “everyday needs” would win out over my needs for fun and play nearly every time. Once I realized this, I immediately saw this “work ethic” as a self-limiting belief, and I set about to make a change.

It’s been fun! It’s also been very eye-opening. …

What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!

It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us.  …

When you have a need that you are seeking to meet but the seeking becomes insistent, like a demand, what then? This is what I’ve experienced.

The negative energy (and the stories I tell myself) that go with an unmet need creates a kind of hypervigilance—an intensity about getting the need met, and a fearfulness that it won't be.

I become attached to a particular outcome. …

When we’re learning Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we practice with the four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Practicing these steps, learning the vocabulary, clarifying what’s a feeling, what’s a need, and what’s a request is more complicated than it seems at first.

However, practice does work, and eventually, those steps become easier… Finally, requests and observations can be made in more conversational language.

But it turns out there’s still more to do to prepare for a connecting conversation!  …

Several weeks ago, I ran into a YouTube video from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. In this video, she invited viewers to join her in her practice of writing letters to Love. I decided to try this. Here is one of my letters and Love’s response.

Dear Love,

Please tell me about my daughter and about being sad. …

In a recent practice group, we had a very interesting discussion about a topic where there was a wide variety of perspectives.

We considered the question, “What feelings and needs come up with the situation of one partner in a marriage having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?” (I realize this question would be phrased differently for same-sex couples.)

This question allowed us to explore a topic from the NVC perspective of Feelings and Needs, rather than it being “wrong” or “right.” The question led to curiosity and affinity, rather than judgment. …

As 2023 has come to a close and 2024 opened its doors, I’ve been giving consideration to what I want for this coming year. I know many people think about this as setting a New Year’s resolution, but as my friend Genevieve says, “That can be tricky.” If we’re not careful we can easily set a perfectionistic goal instead of one that’s doable. Because I too am a recovering perfectionist, this is something I want to avoid.

I’d been mulling this over when another friend, Suz, told me how she would answer this question. She said instead of focusing on a fixed goal she might ask herself, “For this new year, what needs do I have that continue to remain unmet?”

This got me thinking. What are my needs for the new year? What are the first steps? And how will I know when they’re met? For me, there’s a lot of flow, ease, and permission-giving in approaching the big question this way. So, I decided to give it a try, and I’d like to share my answers with you. …

In the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).

However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …

One of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.

1. It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.

2. We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)

3. We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)

After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.
 What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives.” …

When thinking about the beauty of needs like gratitude, celebration, and appreciation, the early morning view from my window comes to mind.

I see the sunrise and my entire being is flooded with whatever chemicals we produce when we experience a joy so powerful that our entire body feels that joy. My breath pauses. Tears well up. My throat and chest feel a surge like… love?

I’m nearly speechless, “Wow! Wow! Wow!”

What an incredible gift to see and to appreciate this spectacular event. What a gift is nature and its beauty. …

Recently, I’ve been involved in conversations concerning how to be in the world with the terrible violence of wars, climate change, political division, and social disconnection between groups and ideologies. 

People say they don’t want to ignore what’s going on in the world and at the same time they don’t want to be so overwhelmed by events that they numb out and lose their life energy.

How to be in the world with what might be called “equanimity”? …

These past few years I’ve noticed more people in the media talking about people’s values and needs—and I’m feeling pretty excited and encouraged with that awareness. To be clear, I hear plenty of labeling and name calling too, and yet I want to notice and appreciate comments that are less judgmental.

I’ve been hearing more exploration of viewpoints with the focus on concerns and values. I’m remembering a top public health official during the pandemic talking about people who weren’t taking the vaccine, wearing masks, or were against the closure of schools, etc. …