The following excerpts are from an article written for PuddleDancer Press called “Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Address the Roots and Impacts of Extremism” by Alan Rafael Seid, a CNVC Certified Trainer. We’re reposting it as a series (with permission) in the hopes that you might read and consider each section over time and reflect on how you might use your skills to connect with others during these difficult times. In contribution to this year’s Season of Nonviolence, we’ll archive the series in the SNV section of our website.
Excerpted from Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Address the Roots and Impacts of Extremism by Alan Rafael Seid. Please visit PuddleDancer Press to learn more about Nonviolent Communication.
The role of NVC in discerning truth
… The four elements of the NVC framework—observations, feelings, needs, and requests—can help you discern truth and respond to misinformation constructively.
Observations Without Judgment:
Begin by identifying the factual elements of the situation without adding interpretations or assumptions. For example, instead of reactively labeling a statement as “misinformed,” focus on the specific claims being made. This creates a neutral foundation for discussion.
If an article claims that a certain group of people hold a certain belief (“liberals hate America” or “conservatives want to end the social safety net”) the factual element of the situation is not “this is true because it says so here” or “this is false because it goes against my beliefs” but rather, “this article states this.”
Separate from whether a particular claim is true, you can help someone uncover their assumptions when you clearly discern what you are observing and then get curious about the claims themselves.
Curiosity, questioning, and critical thinking are essential skills for separating observations from a story that may or may not be, or may only partially be, true.
This dimension of self-connection helps me discern when I am making an assumption or an interpretation, or relying on a narrative based on a belief.
Feelings as Indicators of Engagement:
Recognize and articulate your feelings when encountering what you believe to be misinformation.
Slow down, breathe, feel inside your body…
Are you feeling frustrated, curious, scared, worried… or something else?
Similarly, see if you can empathize with the emotions of the other person, understanding that their feelings often stem from unmet needs like safety or clarity.
For example, if a friend of yours posts a meme that states that “immigrants are destroying our country” it’s likely that there is anger, fear, or concern—and that the underlying needs are safety, security, or stability. We don’t know definitively what is happening inside someone else—but we begin with an empathic guess!
Connecting with feelings and needs rather than your judgments can help you ground in a more compassionate place for a dialog in which you can address others’ concerns.
People don’t change their beliefs when they are judged and told they’re stupid or misinformed. That actually shuts them down and leads to them to resist engaging. Focusing on feelings and needs—showing human care—helps the other person be more open to a different perspective, which could come after empathy.
Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care. — Theodore Roosevelt
Uncovering Needs Behind Beliefs:
To the extent you can, imagine and explore the unmet needs behind misinformation.
Someone sharing a conspiracy theory might have unmet needs for security or understanding amidst uncertainty.
For example, I have a friend who shares conspiracy theories I find quite outlandish and unbelievable! Our common ground is a distrust of the profit-motive in health care and what we perceive as greed by the pharmaceutical industry. A past version of myself might have disconnected from this person based on my judgments. Him changing his beliefs is not a pre-requisite to remaining friends and good neighbors. And there is an opening for dialog should we ever need it.
NVC helps uncover the underlying needs without shaming or dismissing the individual—preserving future possibilities for changing and evolving without having to disconnect.
Making Requests to Foster Understanding:
Rather than arguing or attempting to “correct” someone, NVC emphasizes making collaborative requests that invite dialogue.
For example, you might ask: “Would you be open to exploring this information together to see what aligns with our shared values?”
Starting with common ground helps us move through conversations together.
An NVC request comes from connection with your needs. Therefore, NVC does require you to be clear about what you value and want, so that you can make a request based on what the life inside you is yearning for.
Not all relationships are of equal priority, and NVC takes that into account.
Furthermore, certain mediums are not conducive to a connecting dialog. For example, in a recent discussion on a social media platform I invited someone to set up a Zoom call so that we could continue/deepen the conversation.
