Stories we tell ourselves

July 22, 2024 Denise Torres

5 match sticks on purple background. 3 fresh matches, 1 burnt, 1 fresh with leaf growing out of the wood. — Photo by @tangerinenewt on Unsplash

Today I’m passing along a link to a podcast I came across and often revisit: People I (Mostly) Admire.

This episode in particular—Pay Attention! (Your Body Will Thank You)—was eye-opening because it helped me realize how I’ve been carrying around various stories blocking me from seeing who I truly can be.

In this case, it was my experience of being 70 years old. I didn’t realize I’d told myself a story about being 70—about what happens when you’re this age, i.e., “It’s all downhill from here,” and how life will get progressively harder. …

Preparing for NVC

March 11, 2024 Bryn Hazell

When we’re learning Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we practice with the four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Practicing these steps, learning the vocabulary, clarifying what’s a feeling, what’s a need, and what’s a request is more complicated than it seems at first.

However, practice does work, and eventually, those steps become easier… Finally, requests and observations can be made in more conversational language.

But it turns out there’s still more to do to prepare for a connecting conversation! …

Connecting through differences

January 22, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Photo by @krakenimages on Unsplash. Laughing woman and man sit on yoga mat in a studio, laptop open in front. — Photo by @krakenimages on Unsplash

In a recent practice group, we had a very interesting discussion about a topic where there was a wide variety of perspectives.

We considered the question, “What feelings and needs come up with the situation of one partner in a marriage having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?” (I realize this question would be phrased differently for same-sex couples.)

This question allowed us to explore a topic from the NVC perspective of Feelings and Needs, rather than it being “wrong” or “right.” The question led to curiosity and affinity, rather than judgment. …

The Gift of Community

December 20, 2022 Denise Torres

Group of Canada Geese flying together against light blue sky — Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash

Dear NVC Friends,

I want to take a moment to tell you how meaningful being part of a practice group is for me! I heard someone say recently they spent a lot of time alone when they were younger and managed it well. And then they found and valued community. I think that’s my story too.

There’s something so very special about belonging, and in particular, belonging to this community—where we learn how to choose inquiry over blame and connection over judgments. …

When You Hit a Wall

April 15, 2020 Denise Torres

At the last practice group, there were a few people who talked about hitting a wall sometime this past week, and I was one of them. I want to share that experience with you.

The whole day long I carried this unclear but ever-present sense of anxiety. (It wasn’t because of anything in particular. My guess is that it was because of everything.) With the anxiety came restlessness and dissatisfaction. Nothing seemed interesting. I was so caught up in the discomfort it became the thing that informed everything else.

Later in the evening, I decided to flip through the photo gallery on my phone—hoping for something uplifting—and I ran across a photo of some board work I had done in one of my classes. Yes, that’s right, one of my classes: I was teaching others something that I myself had totally lost sight of all day long. Although I had already told myself I could drown my feelings by reading a book, and even though I really wanted to read the book, I thought, “You know what to do.” So I put the novel aside and got out my journal. …

Noticing judgments

May 1, 2016 Denise Torres

Recently I had the good fortune to attend a 3-day Vipassana retreat where we spent a great deal of time in silence and meditation. Because there was so much quiet, it became easier to notice judgments as they arose. “She’s doing it wrong.” “I hate not being able to connect.” “That poor woman looks like she’s really struggling." Noticing this, I would return to my practice, find my center, and start again.