The following excerpts are from an article written for PuddleDancer Press called “Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Address the Roots and Impacts of Extremism” by Alan Rafael Seid, a CNVC Certified Trainer. We’re reposting it as a series (with permission) in the hopes that you might read and consider each section over time and reflect on how you might use your skills to connect with others during these difficult times. In contribution to this year’s Season of Nonviolence, we’ll archive the series in the SNV section of our website.
Excerpted from Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Address the Roots and Impacts of Extremism by Alan Rafael Seid. Please visit PuddleDancer Press to learn more about Nonviolent Communication.
Example: a family member confronts misinformation online using empathic listening and curiosity
Imagine a family gathering in which a relative shares an article you find misleading, which claims that a certain group is responsible for economic decline. You feel a surge of frustration and an urge to argue. Rather than argue you choose to apply NVC.
Start with empathy toward yourself, if you need it.
If you are feeling triggered, as in the above example, NVC would have you begin with empathy toward your own needs.
In the above scenario, what might help you stay grounded and get connected to your needs could be a simple self-empathy exercise or perhaps a brief phone call with an empathic friend.
With practice, self-empathy can happen quite quickly—you self-connect, and then you’re back, present with the other person.
(In my private work I often tell clients that the first step toward de-escalating a situation is to de-escalate yourself.)
So, again, the first step is you connecting with your own feelings and needs around what your relative shared. Perhaps you feel frustration and sadness coming from a need for compassion for all humans and a desire for shared meaning.
It could be that or it could be something else.
You are not “figuring out” your feelings and needs, as an intellectual process.
Rather, you are making direct contact with your feelings and needs, in your mind and body, and this helps you regulate your nervous system and have more interior clarity about what is important to you.
Once you are re-connected with yourself and feeling more grounded, then you might choose to initiate dialog.
You can start with either empathy or honesty, whichever you think would serve the connection.
If you sense that your relative has strong feelings, then you might start by empathizing which, let’s be clear, is different than agreeing:
“It sounds like you’re feeling worried about the future and need clarity about the causes as well as solutions. Am I understanding?”
This is a hypothetical example, and we can’t follow every possible permutation a conversation might take… but let’s say that, as you hang in there trying to understand with empathy, before long they feel understood.
Once they feel gotten, then you could see if they’re open to your honesty.
“Hey, I feel like I understand your concerns… are you open to hearing another perspective on that?”
The reason I ask for someone’s consent at this point is (1) it lets me know whether they need more empathy, and (2) I’ve never achieved satisfying results by trying to force my view on someone—it ends up frustrating both people and creating more distance.
For the sake of the example, let’s say they respond with, “Sure, what’s your perspective?”
Now is the perfect time to share your honesty!
If you were following the NVC framework in this conversation, the next part might be structured like this:
Observation: “I hear that you have concerns about economic challenges and what’s causing them. I noticed the article mentions [specific claim].”
Feelings and Needs (your own experience): “When I read that, I felt uneasy but also curious—because I value having more complete information about deeper causes.”
Request: “Would you be open to looking at some additional sources or perspectives together? I’d like to understand this issue better too.”
The request in a real situation comes from what you actually want.
The point is less around the specific request above, and more around proposing something that could feel collaborative or lead to greater shared understanding. In the end, you can agree to disagree which is still a far cry from ending disconnected or in a fight.
By responding with empathy and curiosity, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and much more likely to open the door for a meaningful exchange.
Even if your relative doesn’t immediately change their perspective, you’ve planted seeds for deeper reflection and demonstrated respectful, caring engagement.
The common pattern in life: our closest relationships are usually our most intense ones.
Many NVC practitioners take the time to get their skills up at trainings and in other real-life situations before attempting repair with family, especially if those bonds have been damaged for a long time.
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