“You make me so mad!” “It’s your fault I’m cranky!” “You ruined my day!”
In our culture we have patterns of speech and thought that give other people responsibility for our feelings, i.e., “You make me feel; he makes me feel; I made her feel…” That thinking creates a lot of disconnection between us and within ourselves.
In the consciousness of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we aren’t the cause of someone’s feelings. The cause is needs being met or unmet.
THEIR feelings are nature’s way of bringing attention to THEIR needs.
OUR feelings are nature’s way of bringing attention to OUR needs.
Let’s take an example.
Observation (stimulus): Ben made plans for himself and his partner to go to dinner with friends. However, he didn’t talk to his partner Marla before making the plans.
When Ben told Marla about the dinner plans, she said, “You made plans without even asking me?!”
Awareness: Marla probably feels irritated because she wants HER needs for consideration and choice to be met.
This awareness (of feelings linked to needs) can create less defensiveness and allow for more connection.
There’s a big difference between:
I’m feeling _____ because you _____ …”
And:
“I’m feeling _____ because I need/want _____ …”
Response: As the recipient of the message, I’m more able to respond compassionately to someone’s pain if I don’t take responsibility for their experience but instead focus on their needs. They feel upset because they have needs that aren’t met.
And I find it more helpful to realize that my feelings are linked to my needs, rather than blame someone else. Blame creates disconnection between me and the other person.
A blame-free response from Ben to Marla: “You want to be asked before I make plans that include you, right?”
Marla would be more likely to feel heard with that response. Then they might have a more connecting conversation and agreement about how to make plans that consider them both.
~ Bryn
