Farewell 2024 & Welcome 2025!

December 28, 2024 CCL

Two hands holding sparklers against dusk sky — Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

The arrival of a new year is often a time for looking ahead: making resolutions, identifying needs or values to live by, choosing theme words to give focus, and planning for activities and trips we want to make happen. I intend to do a few of these and enjoy envisioning my life in a larger context than the day-to-day.

I’ve also been thinking back on this year and recalling meaningful events. … Life flies by and many important moments can be forgotten. At 75, I’m very aware of this! I invite you to look back on the year and pick out experiences you want to carry with you. …

Mending old wounds

December 9, 2024 Denise Torres

Side view of goldfinch perched on branch — Photo by Przemyslaw Reinfus on Unsplash

This is the season when nostalgia can easily trigger the sensation of regret. Regretting can be complicated, for sure. The inner critic sometimes makes it into a story about what’s wrong with us or how foolish we are. It will use regret as proof that we’re not good enough. It might be helpful to separate the workings of the inner critic from the voice of regret—pull them apart, so to speak. …

Uncertainty during this post-election time

November 11, 2024 Denise Torres

Woman stands alone staring into an orange, foggy distance lit by street lamps — Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Not all roads in life are smoothly paved, as we know. Some are muddy or gravelly or have huge ditches. Sometimes trees have fallen across them or there are live wires nearby. These challenging times can become part of the inner voice that reminds us that bad things happen.

This same voice tells us that terrible things will probably continue to happen, and this worry pushes us to figure out how we can try to prevent them. It’s how the brain’s negativity bias works. …

More on “Do Something!”

October 28, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Woman sitting cross-legged in silhouette facing yellow sunset/sunrise — Photo by @dingzeyuli on Unsplash

I recently wrote an article titled “Do something!” The gist was if we have an unmet need, the action step of NVC—the request—is how we meet the need and how we move from frustration and helplessness toward satisfaction and relief.

For much of my life, I felt helpless when my needs were not met. NVC changed my life by teaching me that I can take action to meet my needs. … If taking a step to meet a need seems to be more than we can manage, then perhaps the first step is to build capacity. …

A helpful reminder during election season

September 25, 2024 Denise Torres

Black and white photo of two wolves interacting in snow — Photo by Guillaume Archambault on Unsplash

A few days ago I received a newsletter from Rick Hanson, PhD entitled “Feed the Wolf of Love.”

It provides a helpful reminder (especially during this election season)…

Do something!

September 9, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Bee on late season lavender blossom — Photo by Claire Chang on Unsplash

“Do something!”

You may have heard these words in connection with Kamala Harris and Michelle Obama’s recent Democratic National Convention speeches. They urged people who might be discouraged or distressed by political events to “Do something!” Take action to address the situation rather than feel hopeless.

I think of, “Do something” as a doable request, the fourth step in Nonviolent Communication. “Do something” is an action that can be asked of yourself or someone else to meet the needs you would like to have met. …

Awe & inspiration

August 25, 2024 Denise Torres

I’d like to share a recommendation from my dear friend, Eliza: To Be In Awe— WISDOM from a 96-year-old. This film features Dot Fisher-Smith, an elder from Ashland, Oregon. She's invited to speak about her life today, and I think she does this with a great deal of beauty, calm, and awe. …

Stories we tell ourselves

July 22, 2024 Denise Torres

5 match sticks on purple background. 3 fresh matches, 1 burnt, 1 fresh with leaf growing out of the wood. — Photo by @tangerinenewt on Unsplash

Today I’m passing along a link to a podcast I came across and often revisit: People I (Mostly) Admire.

This episode in particular—Pay Attention! (Your Body Will Thank You)—was eye-opening because it helped me realize how I’ve been carrying around various stories blocking me from seeing who I truly can be.

In this case, it was my experience of being 70 years old. I didn’t realize I’d told myself a story about being 70—about what happens when you’re this age, i.e., “It’s all downhill from here,” and how life will get progressively harder. …

Love letters

February 26, 2024 Denise Torres

Several weeks ago, I ran into a YouTube video from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. In this video, she invited viewers to join her in her practice of writing letters to Love. I decided to try this. Here is one of my letters and Love’s response.

Dear Love,
Please tell me about my daughter and about being sad. …

One thing (of many) I enjoy about being Connected to Myself

December 29, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Woman with dark hair and red nails seated holding white mug, wearing plaid scarf and warm blanket. — Photo by @aloragriffiths on Unsplash

In the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).

However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …

Sanctuary

August 14, 2023 Denise Torres

Red-haired woman with braid lounging in bed with mug of warm drink, dog snuggled up in blurred background — Photo by Samantha Gades, on Unsplash

Many years ago, I had just returned home from work, and right away I was mad at my daughter for not doing her homework. She asked me, “Are you mad at me or are you mad about what happened at work today?” The truth was, I was mad about work. That was what had all my attention. In that space, there wasn’t much room for, “Hi Honey, how was your day?”

In my experience, it can be difficult to have an open heart when it’s already too tired, and our focus is on what’s wrong. Neither of these conditions leaves much room for connection. This is a helpful thing to notice. Because, if we notice when we don’t want to connect, we can also notice when we need to rest and reset. …

Finding Self-Trust

April 3, 2023 CCL

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

One of the most damaging things about believing the inner critic is that we lose our ability to trust ourselves. Instead, we begin to doubt.

“I’m not loveable.”

“I can’t do anything right.”

“I’m not good enough to be accepted.”

Believing the inner critic means we are never really free from shame and unworthiness. This damages our felt sense of value, peace, self-trust, and most of all, safety. Over time this loss separates us from who we truly are. …

Try Letting Go

February 13, 2023 CCL

BW photo: Man w/ earphones and backpack juggling next to city street — Photo by Matt Bero on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

What are some things we (mostly) have control over? What are some things that we can’t control? … The practice of letting go is often mixed up with needing to be responsible, and that makes it hard. Yes, we do need to take care of things that our life is asking of us. Take getting to work, for example. We decide what time to leave for work and the route we’ll take. However, we don’t have control over whether or not the traffic will interfere with us getting to work on time. …

Self-Connection: Time for Feelings & Needs

January 30, 2023 CCL

B&W photo: view from above person in hoodie on laptop sitting, floor is abstract clock — Photo by Kevin Ku on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

As human beings, we rely on our feelings and needs to inform our thinking, speaking, and actions. However, one of the most common challenges we face is having the time to connect with them. Who doesn’t feel rushed or distracted most of the time?

In our culture, it’s common practice to handle overwhelming demands and time constraints by ignoring our feelings and needs. This is one way depression, anxiety, frustration, and depletion become our companions. It’s one reason our mental health gets shaky. Why? Because feelings and needs matter. …

Compassion for Others—and Self

January 24, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Two puffins talking or squabbling in colorful clover patch — Photo by Wynand van Poortvliet on Unsplash

Sometimes I notice a reluctance to have compassion for another person. I might be afraid that if I have compassion for them, I will lose myself and not have my needs met. I may even have a habit of letting compassion for others stop me from having compassion for myself and speaking up for my needs.

For example: Me – “So the reason you said, ‘Shut up’ to me is that you were tired and overwhelmed and your boss just yelled at you. Is that right?”… I used to stop there and not address how hearing, “Shut up” was for me. …

Let in the good—and then share it!

October 25, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Foreground: recently tossed colorful fall leaves, Blurred background: happy person, grey sweater, arms up from leaf tossing — Photo by Jakob Owens

You’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).

For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.

Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.

I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …

Say "Yes" by saying "No"

August 29, 2022 Bryn Hazell

When someone asks us to do something, why do we say “Yes” when we want to say “No”?

Here are a few different reasons:

It sounds good at the time I’m asked.
I want to be nice.
I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
I feel like I should do it.
I’m afraid to say no—maybe they’ll get angry.

Maybe you can think of some others that come up for you? …

Making NVC Accessible in the Moment

August 4, 2022 Bryn Hazell

empty train track curves into lush forest — Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

People in our practice groups sometimes express frustration that the skills of NVC are nowhere to be found when needed most—when emotions are running high and violent words are flying. Yes, I’ve had that experience many times as well.

Looking back, I’ve come to realize it’s often those difficult situations that best prepare me for the future. It’s because things have “gone off the tracks” and I’m disappointed about how it went, that I’m motivated to do better. That’s when I sit down and write out all the feelings and needs I have in connection with the “train wreck.” I let myself really feel the feelings and connect to the needs. …

How can we grieve if it's not OK to be sad?

May 24, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Photo by @Ann10 on Unsplash — Photo by Ann on Unsplash

When I was growing up, so-called “negative” emotions were not welcome. “Get over it.” “Put a smile on your face.” “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” “What’s done is done.”

When I started to learn Compassionate Communication, the idea that ALL emotions were valued and connected us to life-serving needs resonated with me. I liked the idea of being “fully alive”—feeling the universal human emotions of joy and happiness, as well as disappointment and grief—and all the rest of the emotions. …

A Snowy Day in December

December 17, 2021 Bryn Hazell

I’m looking out the window at a wintery white landscape with falling snow. A robin is bouncing around on the dark branches of a leafless tree in my front yard. It jumps from branch to branch, turning its head this way and that, searching for any berries that others may have missed. It’s cold outside. The light is gray.

A few years ago, I found a book called, “The Little Book of Hygge” (pronounced HOO-GA). It brought me a wonderful new perspective on winter evenings (and sometimes days), which has enriched my life and I have shared with many others. …