One thing (of many) I enjoy about being Connected to Myself

December 29, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Woman with dark hair and red nails seated holding white mug, wearing plaid scarf and warm blanket. — Photo by @aloragriffiths on Unsplash

In the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).

However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …

Regret

December 11, 2023 Bryn Hazell

One of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.

It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.
We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)
We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)

After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …

To be Hopeful in Bad Times

November 26, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Person in brown sweater, hands cupped together holding pink flower. — Photo by Ester Marie Doysabas on Unsplash

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.  What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives.” …

A Beauty of Needs Practice

November 11, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Dramatic yellow/peach sunrise over trees, hazy mountain range in background — Photo by Bryn Hazell

When thinking about the beauty of needs like gratitude, celebration, and appreciation, the early morning view from my window comes to mind.

I see the sunrise and my entire being is flooded with whatever chemicals we produce when we experience a joy so powerful that our entire body feels that joy. My breath pauses. Tears well up. My throat and chest feel a surge like… love?

I’m nearly speechless, “Wow! Wow! Wow!”

What an incredible gift to see and to appreciate this spectacular event. What a gift is nature and its beauty. …

Equanimity in Today’s World

October 14, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Orange and yellow abstract art over silhouette of woman hands to head — Photo by JR Korpa, on Unsplash

Recently, I’ve been involved in conversations concerning how to be in the world with the terrible violence of wars, climate change, political division, and social disconnection between groups and ideologies.

People say they don’t want to ignore what’s going on in the world and at the same time they don’t want to be so overwhelmed by events that they numb out and lose their life energy.

How to be in the world with what might be called “equanimity”? …

A Celebration of Needs-Consciousness!

September 11, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash: Closeup of colorful painted rocks - blue HOPE rock center. — Photo by Nick Fewings, on Unsplash

These past few years I’ve noticed more people in the media talking about people’s values and needs—and I’m feeling pretty excited and encouraged with that awareness. To be clear, I hear plenty of labeling and name calling too, and yet I want to notice and appreciate comments that are less judgmental.

I’ve been hearing more exploration of viewpoints with the focus on concerns and values. I’m remembering a top public health official during the pandemic talking about people who weren’t taking the vaccine, wearing masks, or were against the closure of schools, etc. …

Compassionate Communication… “Natural” but not “Habitual”?

August 28, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Photo of man holding baby, both laughing. — Photo by Lawrence Crayton, on Unsplash

When I hear people say about NVC, “This is not natural,” I think to myself, “Oh, it is natural, but I’m guessing it’s not habitual!”

We’re born with feelings that bring attention to needs. Babies cry when they’re hungry, tired, wet, or needing care of some sort. Babies usually gurgle happily when they’re comfortable and someone is smiling, playing, and tickling—giving them attention.

If we were all encouraged to notice, feel, and acknowledge our feelings and needs, we would continue that natural connection. Instead, it seems that we learn to stuff, hide, or be embarrassed about our feelings and needs, and we lose connection with them. But they are a natural part of being human. …

Sanctuary

August 14, 2023 Denise Torres

Red-haired woman with braid lounging in bed with mug of warm drink, dog snuggled up in blurred background — Photo by Samantha Gades, on Unsplash

Many years ago, I had just returned home from work, and right away I was mad at my daughter for not doing her homework. She asked me, “Are you mad at me or are you mad about what happened at work today?” The truth was, I was mad about work. That was what had all my attention. In that space, there wasn’t much room for, “Hi Honey, how was your day?”

In my experience, it can be difficult to have an open heart when it’s already too tired, and our focus is on what’s wrong. Neither of these conditions leaves much room for connection. This is a helpful thing to notice. Because, if we notice when we don’t want to connect, we can also notice when we need to rest and reset. …

Starting at the Beginning

July 17, 2023 Denise Torres

Well worn yellow crosswalk market with bright green button - sticker above says "Push to Reset the World." Photo: @joseantoniogall, Sticker: @Space_utopian — Photo by Jose Antonio Gallego Vázquez, on Unsplash; Sticker Artist: @Space_utopian

Need an NVC reset? Here’s an article I wrote for the Changing Self Talk to Self Care class a few years ago that could be helpful.

“When Dr. Rosenberg recognized that judgments and blame were a significant factor in understanding violence, he saw that if we look underneath them, we can find out what is really going on. Knowing this, we could change course and find kinder, more helpful communication solutions. As a result, he developed Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (NVC).

NVC transforms judgments (including self-judgments) by using them to find the deeper messages expressed by our feelings and needs. It has a gentle yet fierce curiosity that makes acceptance, self-care, and inner peace possible. To figure out how this works we start by looking at the four foundational principles of NVC. …”

A Lesson in Calm Confidence

May 22, 2023 Denise Torres

BW photo of serious dog looking straight ahead and placing paw in human hand. — Photo by Fabian Gieske on Unsplash

Last fall Michael and I needed help with our dog Sofia. She’s a very sweet pup. However, about six months ago we had some changes at the house that really stressed her out, which of course, stressed us out too.

Here’s what we’ve learned since then. Dogs are like our mirrors. What we feel, they feel. …

Boundaries for Self-Protection and Self-Respect

May 9, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Field of flowers closeup: Purple lupin on left, bright yellow on right — Photo by Mario Gogh on Unsplash

Relationships are fluid and flow with interdependence, so boundaries aren’t set in concrete. However, if you find yourself frustrated that your boundaries aren’t respected, it’s empowering to know that you’re the one who can make them firm. It may not be easy, but it’s important so that we don’t build up resentment toward others for not respecting our boundaries.

Setting a boundary for ourselves might sound like …

EarthCare: Doable Actions for a Healthier Planet

April 23, 2023 CCL

Save the Planet: Photo of kid with aviator glasses, wings, and fake jets rising against a mural of planet earth on left, factory pollution on right

This post introduces a new series—EarthCare: Doable Actions for a Healthier Planet

What does Compassionate/Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) have to do with the health of our planet? NVC cultivates life-serving awareness of needs like health, safety, peace, vitality, fairness, balance, and compassion; and seeks to meet these needs through peaceful and doable actions. …

Finding Self-Trust

April 3, 2023 CCL

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

One of the most damaging things about believing the inner critic is that we lose our ability to trust ourselves. Instead, we begin to doubt.

“I’m not loveable.”

“I can’t do anything right.”

“I’m not good enough to be accepted.”

Believing the inner critic means we are never really free from shame and unworthiness. This damages our felt sense of value, peace, self-trust, and most of all, safety. Over time this loss separates us from who we truly are. …

When it’s all TOO MUCH

March 27, 2023 CCL

Sad / worried pug in contemplation wrapped in blanket — Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

When I consider the pain and suffering in our world, I feel overwhelmed, afraid, helpless, frustrated, lost, and in grief and disbelief. I need the madness to stop. But I, myself, can’t make it stop. Still, I need something I can do. I need simple, compassionate, and doable strategies—many small ways in which I can bring peace into my life and perhaps into the life of others. Kindness is one answer. And one way to practice kindness is with the Metta Meditation. …

On “Being Right”

March 20, 2023 CCL

Older man with glasses leaning around corner hand over mouth, surprised — Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

One challenging invitation to accept in peacemaking is to let go of being right. It’s complicated but being right is a strategy we use to feel seen and valued, which can translate into feeling safe. We use it to feel safe with experiences that oppose our beliefs about how things should be. As a safety strategy, it’s difficult to let go of.

In our culture it’s not uncommon to judge others when they act differently than they’re “supposed to.” …

Listening without Joining the Judgment

March 13, 2023 CCL

Two women talking at an outdoor table — Photo by Metin Ozer on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

In Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, judgments are expressions of needs or values; however, they include a right/wrong, good/bad element that separates us from the humanity of the situation. Since all actions are efforts to meet universal human needs or values, judgments can separate us from that perspective and cut us off from our compassion. How can we acknowledge someone’s experience without reinforcing the judgment? …

Peace through Listening

March 6, 2023 CCL

Woman upset with head in her hands, friend comforting her in background — Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

Listening to someone who is hurting can be a rare and welcome gift. Listening to suffering can also be challenging; Our hearts often hurt when we are near hurting hearts. Of course, we want to make things better, to reduce their suffering. That can prompt us to give advice, tell them it will be okay, join their judgments, explain, tell our stories, etc. All these actions are attempts to help the person feel better—and sometimes they do.

With Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication we try to first listen to the hurting person with empathy. …

Listening with Presence

February 27, 2023 CCL

BW photo: Domestic rabbit with one large ear up and one down — Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

What is it like when you are having a conversation with someone, and they are multi-tasking—perhaps looking at their phone or typing on their computer?

It probably depends on the kind of conversation. There are conversations that don’t require full attention. With the busyness of the world, we might be used to multi-tasking our communications while doing other things, and it can work.

However, if it’s something important to you, and someone is giving you partial attention, you might feel frustrated or even hurt because you want connection, consideration, and/or respect. …

Responding rather than Reacting

February 20, 2023 CCL

B&W photo: hand blocking camera, "go away" — Photo by Philbo on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

What if someone says something that sparks an immediate emotional response and before any thinking or reflection, you fire back a judgment or an attack in reaction to what they’ve said? Just like that there can be a flurry of words that end in hurt, anger, and disconnection. Haven’t we all been there? …

Try Letting Go

February 13, 2023 CCL

BW photo: Man w/ earphones and backpack juggling next to city street — Photo by Matt Bero on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

What are some things we (mostly) have control over? What are some things that we can’t control? … The practice of letting go is often mixed up with needing to be responsible, and that makes it hard. Yes, we do need to take care of things that our life is asking of us. Take getting to work, for example. We decide what time to leave for work and the route we’ll take. However, we don’t have control over whether or not the traffic will interfere with us getting to work on time. …