More on “Do Something!”

October 28, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Woman sitting cross-legged in silhouette facing yellow sunset/sunrise — Photo by @dingzeyuli on Unsplash

I recently wrote an article titled “Do something!” The gist was if we have an unmet need, the action step of NVC—the request—is how we meet the need and how we move from frustration and helplessness toward satisfaction and relief.

For much of my life, I felt helpless when my needs were not met. NVC changed my life by teaching me that I can take action to meet my needs. … If taking a step to meet a need seems to be more than we can manage, then perhaps the first step is to build capacity. …

Racism and Innocence

October 14, 2024 Denise Torres

To introduce this article written by Roxy Manning, PhD, I’d like to share a short story about racism and innocence.

Many years ago, I was at the General Assembly for the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA). The speaker that day was Rev. Rebecca Parker, who was at that time president of the UUA. During her talk, she shared an experience she had while attending a conference on racism.

In one of the workshops, the two presenters, both African American women historians, spoke about the political history of Black women in the United States. …

You make me feel…

July 8, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Woman with frustrated expression, hands in the air. — Photo by @julienlphoto on Unsplash

“You make me so mad!” “It’s your fault I’m cranky!” “You ruined my day!”

In our culture we have patterns of speech and thought that give other people responsibility for our feelings, i.e., “You make me feel; he makes me feel; I made her feel…” That thinking creates a lot of disconnection between us and within ourselves.

In the consciousness of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we aren’t the cause of someone’s feelings. The cause is needs being met or unmet. …

How can we “Do NVC” when we’re both upset?

April 8, 2024 Bryn Hazell

What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!

It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …

Preparing for NVC

March 11, 2024 Bryn Hazell

When we’re learning Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we practice with the four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Practicing these steps, learning the vocabulary, clarifying what’s a feeling, what’s a need, and what’s a request is more complicated than it seems at first.

However, practice does work, and eventually, those steps become easier… Finally, requests and observations can be made in more conversational language.

But it turns out there’s still more to do to prepare for a connecting conversation! …

Breaking a rule

February 11, 2024 Denise Torres

Breaking a Rule

Earlier this year I wrote an article for the newsletter that shared the needs I most want to meet this year: fun, curiosity, vitality, adventure, awe, and play, and how I want to meet them. This morning I’ve realized how easy it is to let the day go and not include them—that doing the things I would most love to do has been second in line to the things that just need doing. In a weird way, it’s like putting myself second. Oof!

What I want to do is to safeguard these needs from getting lost. I thought, “Well, maybe I can put notifications on my phone.” I could tell right away that this would trigger a have-to approach in responding to any of them.

Then I wondered, “Why are my needs for fun and delight taking second place?” …

If you can’t do it all, what about doing a little bit?

January 8, 2024 Denise Torres

Man in orange shirt and blue garden shoes interacting with playful, relaxed tan and white dog. Background green grass and foliage. — Photo by @firosnv on Unsplash

As 2023 has come to a close and 2024 opened its doors, I’ve been giving consideration to what I want for this coming year. I know many people think about this as setting a New Year’s resolution, but as my friend Genevieve says, “That can be tricky.” If we’re not careful we can easily set a perfectionistic goal instead of one that’s doable. Because I too am a recovering perfectionist, this is something I want to avoid.

I’d been mulling this over when another friend, Suz, told me how she would answer this question. She said instead of focusing on a fixed goal she might ask herself, “For this new year, what needs do I have that continue to remain unmet?”

This got me thinking. What are my needs for the new year? What are the first steps? And how will I know when they’re met? For me, there’s a lot of flow, ease, and permission-giving in approaching the big question this way. So, I decided to give it a try, and I’d like to share my answers with you. …

One thing (of many) I enjoy about being Connected to Myself

December 29, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Woman with dark hair and red nails seated holding white mug, wearing plaid scarf and warm blanket. — Photo by @aloragriffiths on Unsplash

In the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).

However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …

Regret

December 11, 2023 Bryn Hazell

One of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.

It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.
We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)
We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)

After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …

Compassionate Communication… “Natural” but not “Habitual”?

August 28, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Photo of man holding baby, both laughing. — Photo by Lawrence Crayton, on Unsplash

When I hear people say about NVC, “This is not natural,” I think to myself, “Oh, it is natural, but I’m guessing it’s not habitual!”

We’re born with feelings that bring attention to needs. Babies cry when they’re hungry, tired, wet, or needing care of some sort. Babies usually gurgle happily when they’re comfortable and someone is smiling, playing, and tickling—giving them attention.

If we were all encouraged to notice, feel, and acknowledge our feelings and needs, we would continue that natural connection. Instead, it seems that we learn to stuff, hide, or be embarrassed about our feelings and needs, and we lose connection with them. But they are a natural part of being human. …

Sanctuary

August 14, 2023 Denise Torres

Red-haired woman with braid lounging in bed with mug of warm drink, dog snuggled up in blurred background — Photo by Samantha Gades, on Unsplash

Many years ago, I had just returned home from work, and right away I was mad at my daughter for not doing her homework. She asked me, “Are you mad at me or are you mad about what happened at work today?” The truth was, I was mad about work. That was what had all my attention. In that space, there wasn’t much room for, “Hi Honey, how was your day?”

In my experience, it can be difficult to have an open heart when it’s already too tired, and our focus is on what’s wrong. Neither of these conditions leaves much room for connection. This is a helpful thing to notice. Because, if we notice when we don’t want to connect, we can also notice when we need to rest and reset. …

Self-Connection: Time for Feelings & Needs

January 30, 2023 CCL

B&W photo: view from above person in hoodie on laptop sitting, floor is abstract clock — Photo by Kevin Ku on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

As human beings, we rely on our feelings and needs to inform our thinking, speaking, and actions. However, one of the most common challenges we face is having the time to connect with them. Who doesn’t feel rushed or distracted most of the time?

In our culture, it’s common practice to handle overwhelming demands and time constraints by ignoring our feelings and needs. This is one way depression, anxiety, frustration, and depletion become our companions. It’s one reason our mental health gets shaky. Why? Because feelings and needs matter. …

The Gift of Community

December 20, 2022 Denise Torres

Group of Canada Geese flying together against light blue sky — Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash

Dear NVC Friends,

I want to take a moment to tell you how meaningful being part of a practice group is for me! I heard someone say recently they spent a lot of time alone when they were younger and managed it well. And then they found and valued community. I think that’s my story too.

There’s something so very special about belonging, and in particular, belonging to this community—where we learn how to choose inquiry over blame and connection over judgments. …

A Celebration for: Braver Angels!

November 29, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Red white and blue plastic toy dinosaurs against aqua background (street art poster) — Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

For the last 20+ years, I’ve been sharing and practicing Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication because I strongly believe communication is the key to healthier individuals, better relationships, and peaceful resolution of conflict.

I’ve offered—and will continue to offer—classes that help people learn and practice these communication skills that I find so life-changing, life-enriching, and necessary.

Recently I was very excited to learn of a nonprofit called Braver Angels that also teaches people how to listen and speak with the goal of resolving differences nonviolently. Braver Angels is particularly trying to address the Red/Blue divide in the U.S. …

Let in the good—and then share it!

October 25, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Foreground: recently tossed colorful fall leaves, Blurred background: happy person, grey sweater, arms up from leaf tossing — Photo by Jakob Owens

You’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).

For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.

Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.

I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …

Grace

September 14, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Scruffy red and white fox looks up at purple flowers with thoughtful expression, lush green background and foreground — Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

I like the word “Grace.”

I’ve been working on a definition of what it means to me. Here’s my current definition: Accepting the difficulties and challenges that life brings with a peaceful flow of awareness that encourages thoughtful and kind actions.

It’s a feeling and a need for me.

Lately, with the physical, emotional, and mental challenges that aging brings to my life (and to that of many of my friends and family), I’ve been thinking more about grace. …

Making NVC Accessible in the Moment

August 4, 2022 Bryn Hazell

empty train track curves into lush forest — Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

People in our practice groups sometimes express frustration that the skills of NVC are nowhere to be found when needed most—when emotions are running high and violent words are flying. Yes, I’ve had that experience many times as well.

Looking back, I’ve come to realize it’s often those difficult situations that best prepare me for the future. It’s because things have “gone off the tracks” and I’m disappointed about how it went, that I’m motivated to do better. That’s when I sit down and write out all the feelings and needs I have in connection with the “train wreck.” I let myself really feel the feelings and connect to the needs. …

Connecting Requests

May 5, 2022 Bryn Hazell

One of the most helpful ways to communicate with others is by using Connecting Requests. We may be wondering what others heard or think about what we’ve said. When we don’t ask, we may not find out or it may sound like we’re just making a statement rather than seeking connection.

After you’ve shared something with someone, here are a few ways you can check in with the other person:

“What do you think about that?”
“How does that sound to you?”
“How do you feel about what I’ve said?”
“What comes up for you when you hear me say that?”
“I’m not clear where I am with this. Would you be willing to say back what you heard? I think that will help me.”

If you find yourself hesitant to check in with the other person, you can be curious about that—and ask yourself what feelings and needs are coming up for you. …

Celebrating Connection (Thank you, Zoom!)

April 2, 2022 Bryn Hazell

I think it was in March 2020 that Covid started becoming a “thing” that we needed to plan our lives around. For the Center for Compassionate Living (CCL) it meant the end of practice groups and classes at our sweet space on Southwest Industrial Way in Bend. We had just signed a new year-long lease for $850-ish /mo., and we wondered how we were going to make the rent without offering classes, etc. We had a fairly good financial cushion and our community continued to support us as we all waited for things to “get back to normal.” A year later we gave up our space because things were not back to normal, and we didn’t want to continue the financial burden without clarity on when we could meet again in person.

Of course, what “saved” the Center was Zoom, the widely used online videoconferencing software. …

Antidote to Divisiveness

January 13, 2022 Bryn Hazell

“Nine in ten Americans say overcoming divisiveness is now more important than ever before.”

New Public Agenda/USA Today poll April 2021

CCL Board Member Beth Hanson brought this poll result to my attention and wondered if we could encourage people to see our similarities and commonalities as a way to reduce divisiveness. To me, divisiveness results from a loss of human connection.

One of the many gifts of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication is bringing awareness to what we share as Americans, as human beings. NVC acknowledges the commonality of feelings and universal human needs. …