More on “Do Something!”

October 28, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Woman sitting cross-legged in silhouette facing yellow sunset/sunrise — Photo by @dingzeyuli on Unsplash

I recently wrote an article titled “Do something!” The gist was if we have an unmet need, the action step of NVC—the request—is how we meet the need and how we move from frustration and helplessness toward satisfaction and relief.

For much of my life, I felt helpless when my needs were not met. NVC changed my life by teaching me that I can take action to meet my needs. … If taking a step to meet a need seems to be more than we can manage, then perhaps the first step is to build capacity. …

Do something!

September 9, 2024 Bryn Hazell

Bee on late season lavender blossom — Photo by Claire Chang on Unsplash

“Do something!”

You may have heard these words in connection with Kamala Harris and Michelle Obama’s recent Democratic National Convention speeches. They urged people who might be discouraged or distressed by political events to “Do something!” Take action to address the situation rather than feel hopeless.

I think of, “Do something” as a doable request, the fourth step in Nonviolent Communication. “Do something” is an action that can be asked of yourself or someone else to meet the needs you would like to have met. …

Let in the good—and then share it!

October 25, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Foreground: recently tossed colorful fall leaves, Blurred background: happy person, grey sweater, arms up from leaf tossing — Photo by Jakob Owens

You’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).

For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.

Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.

I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …

Considering Feelings & Needs with Curiosity

September 27, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Campground lights near lake with dark mountain skyline and a time-lapse sky full of starts — Photo by Andrew Coelho on Unsplash

Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication was a revolutionary experience for me 20+ years ago when I first heard Marshall Rosenberg.

The idea that Feelings were signals that brought attention to my Needs (Universal Human Needs) was like discovering the manual for my human operating system.

Feeling all the feelings and getting acquainted with my needs (and guessing other people’s feelings and needs) has been such an extraordinarily helpful frame to better understand myself and others. And most importantly, it has helped create connection between us.

Over the years, I’ve learned to add a step when identifying my feelings and needs. …

Say "Yes" by saying "No"

August 29, 2022 Bryn Hazell

When someone asks us to do something, why do we say “Yes” when we want to say “No”?

Here are a few different reasons:

It sounds good at the time I’m asked.
I want to be nice.
I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
I feel like I should do it.
I’m afraid to say no—maybe they’ll get angry.

Maybe you can think of some others that come up for you? …

How can we grieve if it's not OK to be sad?

May 24, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Photo by @Ann10 on Unsplash — Photo by Ann on Unsplash

When I was growing up, so-called “negative” emotions were not welcome. “Get over it.” “Put a smile on your face.” “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” “What’s done is done.”

When I started to learn Compassionate Communication, the idea that ALL emotions were valued and connected us to life-serving needs resonated with me. I liked the idea of being “fully alive”—feeling the universal human emotions of joy and happiness, as well as disappointment and grief—and all the rest of the emotions. …

Creating Your Holiday

November 9, 2021 Bryn Hazell

One of the gifts of Compassionate/ Nonviolent Communication is utilizing our knowledge of needs to empower ourselves to live our values. We can choose to create our experience by focusing our actions to be in alignment with what we would like in the world. When needs are met, we feel more joyful, satisfied, and peaceful.

Here’s one example of using intentions and actions to create what you want:

Self-Care. Do your best to stay well-rested and relaxed. Prepare for being with others by listening to music, resting, taking a walk, meditating, etc., so your system will support your peaceful heart and your intentions.
Focus on what needs/ values you want to meet, what experience you would like to have. Set your intention and your actions. For example:
- Self-compassion. Acknowledge your feelings/ needs with friendly caring and without judgment. If you are tired or stressed…

From Anger to Sadness; From Judgment to Compassion

July 27, 2021 Bryn Hazell

“It’s hard to have sympathy for people who are dying of Covid. It’s their own fault!”

Those are the words I heard from a person who usually has lots of empathy and compassion for people and their troubles. I get why they said it.

If I guess their feelings and needs, perhaps:

Feelings: Frustrated, irritated, amazed, confused, confounded, angry.
Needs: Health/life, responsibility, awareness, shared reality.

I understand why he said what he did. We all have the same needs as my acquaintance. My reason for bringing this up is not to correct him (or anyone), but rather to contrast being in judgment with adding compassion to our needs/values. …

Envision a world where needs will be valued equally and met peacefully

June 2, 2020 Bryn Hazell

Today is June 2 and I participated in a demonstration in downtown Bend. Hundreds of people gathered and then marched to show empathy, anger, and grief—calling for change around the issues arising from the death of George Floyd, the black man in Minneapolis who died with a policeman’s knee on his neck.

Many if not most of the people demonstrating appeared to be in their teens, 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. I felt heartened to see so many young people participating. They were calling for racial justice, the end to police brutality, accountability, and valuing Black Lives. Many people in passing cars honked in support.

A few Bend police officers were there to “make sure everyone gets to go home safely” as one officer said to me. I saw these police engaged in friendly conversation with demonstrators and then stepping in when traffic help was needed to make sure cars and pedestrians could all pass. They were there to protect.

One of the tenets of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication is that we envision a world where all people’s needs will be valued equally and met peacefully. Today’s demonstration and the following statement help to bring me hope and encouragement.

Message from Bend Police Chief Jim Porter: …

When You Hit a Wall

April 15, 2020 Denise Torres

At the last practice group, there were a few people who talked about hitting a wall sometime this past week, and I was one of them. I want to share that experience with you.

The whole day long I carried this unclear but ever-present sense of anxiety. (It wasn’t because of anything in particular. My guess is that it was because of everything.) With the anxiety came restlessness and dissatisfaction. Nothing seemed interesting. I was so caught up in the discomfort it became the thing that informed everything else.

Later in the evening, I decided to flip through the photo gallery on my phone—hoping for something uplifting—and I ran across a photo of some board work I had done in one of my classes. Yes, that’s right, one of my classes: I was teaching others something that I myself had totally lost sight of all day long. Although I had already told myself I could drown my feelings by reading a book, and even though I really wanted to read the book, I thought, “You know what to do.” So I put the novel aside and got out my journal. …

What to do when you don't have a sense of control

March 15, 2020 Bryn Hazell

Wow! It was just a few weeks ago that some of us were thinking, “Could things get any crazier?” Well, the answer is obviously, “Yes!” I find it hard to take it in, and rather than overwhelmed, I feel some flavor of “shocked,” sort of like watching wide-eyed and open-mouthed without even having the ability to process it all.

I have learned to ration my news intake, finding my ability to notice a bodily feeling of dis-ease as a sign to turn off the news …

How to Cultivate More Inner Peace

November 1, 2019 Denise Torres

Suggestions from the Tuesday Practice Group:

Leave for appointments early. Allow time so no rushing needed.
Put things in their place so when I go to find them, they are there.
Balance order with ease—what’s my balance for inner peace?
Remind myself what I have influence and control over and what I don’t. What’s mine? What’s not mine? …

Circle of Friends

May 1, 2019 CCL

Beth Hanson, Co-Founder, Board Member, Secretary

Dear Friends of the Center for Compassionate Living,

We write to you today with a touch of anxiety and mostly a sense of hope and trust. Our expenses at the Center for Compassionate Living are exceeding our revenue. …

One of the Most Important Human Needs: To Help Others

March 1, 2019 Bryn Hazell

Not only did we have bountiful snow this past week, but we also had bountiful needs met by all of the many helping hands and hearts that showed up.

Friends and family members told me stories of neighbors jumping in to help with shoveling, snow blowing, and roof raking. One friend who finds it hard to ask for help was so worried about the deepening snow on the roof that she screwed up her courage and requested to borrow a roof rake—and was happily rewarded when the owners were delighted to be asked. …

Be careful what you hear

January 1, 2019 Denise Torres

Be Careful What You Hear During the Holidays
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
reprinted with permission from Puddle Dancer Press

The holidays can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Family gatherings, busy schedules, entertaining, and the bustle and pressure of expectations around gift giving. In this training excerpt, world-renowned peacemaker and author, Marshall Rosenberg, gives frank advice to keep our compassion alive by shifting our thinking.

If you want to enjoy your life, particularly during high stress situations, I would strongly recommend you never hear what another person thinks. …

From Spinning in Our Heads to Grounding in Our Hearts

August 1, 2018 Bryn Hazell

I was with a friend recently and he was very upset. He had been working out of town away from his partner for months, and she had not answered his phone calls/texts for a week and a half. Before this break in communication, she had been with a group of their friends, and she’d mentioned a new guy in the group.

Being alone and away from home, my friend had plenty of time to gnaw on the situation over the last week and a half. “She said she’s busy, but who is that busy?”…

Try Translating to Compassionate Communication!

May 2, 2018 Bryn Hazell

Although it certainly is helpful when the person I am communicating with has some Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication skills, I find that I can usually connect with someone by what I call “translating” what they are saying to Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Translating means I guess their feelings and needs. If my guess isn’t accurate, the person will let me know, and then I can connect with whatever feelings and needs they are experiencing. …

Welcome to the New Year!

January 1, 2018 Denise Torres

Welcome to the New Year! For some of us, getting to January 1st brings a sigh of relief—the holidays are over and things can get back to normal. For others, it’s the New Year itself that might feel groundless: “Where am I going? What am I doing?” Of course, there are those who embrace it all without distress. However, if you are one of those who struggles with this time of year, I’d like to share an NVC practice that I think might be helpful.

Remembering Needs Met

October 1, 2017 Bryn Hazell

One of the men at Deer Ridge Correctional Institution talked about how he was frustrated—and kind of angry—about his knee. It hurt and it was making it difficult to do his job. He said his body used to just be there for him and now that he was older, it was not supporting him as it did when he was younger. I asked him if he had some sadness about his body losing some of its strength and resilience. “Yes!” he said…

When Assumptions Act Like Facts

September 1, 2017 Denise Torres

Bryn and I had an interesting talk recently about how it’s quite possible to experience negative feelings and unmet needs simply because our thinking includes assumptions, stereotypes, or expectations. Here’s my example. I recently learned that a well-known musician (whose songs I love) divorced his wife after 37 years of marriage, seemingly to date another woman. I was surprised and sad to hear this, and because I care about both of them, I wanted them to have the continued closeness that comes from being in a lifelong relationship. And, I was also angry.