Relationships are fluid and flow with interdependence, so boundaries aren’t set in concrete. However, if you find yourself frustrated that your boundaries aren’t respected, it’s empowering to know that you’re the one who can make them firm. It may not be easy, but it’s important so that we don’t build up resentment toward others for not respecting our boundaries.

Setting a boundary for ourselves might sound like, “I need to leave at 5 p.m. to pick up my kids.” Or “When you commit me to doing something without asking me first, that doesn’t work for me. I want consideration and choice in what I commit to.”

We can set a boundary, but what happens if the boundary (request) is not met?

Every instance is different, but in the end, it’s up to us to hold the boundary that we’ve made.

The manager asks you to stay until 5:30 p.m. You might say, “As I mentioned, I need to pick my kids up at 5:15 so I need to leave at 5.” There might be times when you are willing to stay, i.e., you can ask someone else to pick the kids up and the manager is willing to pay the $50 penalty to childcare for late pick-up, etc. If you choose to flex your boundary, it’s helpful to know you are in choice, so you don’t build up resentment against the manager.

If your partner says you will attend something and does not ask you first after you’ve asked them to do so, you can remind them of your request and decide whether or not you’d like to attend… or to make the boundary clear, you could say you aren’t willing to go because you were not asked. If you choose to go, you can let go of resentment because you are in choice and understand that changing behaviors takes time.

It’s challenging to change behaviors—ours and others’— and kind firmness can build respect and value for our needs.