This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.
One challenging invitation to accept in peacemaking is to let go of being right.[1] It’s complicated but being right is a strategy we use to feel seen and valued, which can translate into feeling safe. We use it to feel safe with experiences that oppose our beliefs about how things should be. As a safety strategy, it’s difficult to let go of.
In our culture it’s not uncommon to judge others when they act differently than they’re “supposed to.” On the extreme side are those who react with aggression and violence. In the middle somewhere are those who use being right to shame others into a different kind of behavior. In talking this over with my daughter recently, she noticed a third judgment. She said that sometimes having to be right is about wanting safety for another person in order to help or protect them. This makes sense. It's easy to see how the first two judgments can harm others. But is this last reaction as harmless as it seems?
To find out we can ask ourselves, “How do I feel when others tell me I'm wrong (or imply the same with name-calling or disapproval)?” I’ve felt angry, frustrated, confused, hurt, and sometimes ashamed and embarrassed. Ironically, while the speaker uses this strategy to feel safe, I do not feel safe hearing it.
Our answer to this question gives us a felt sense of what it’s like for others to be spoken to in this way. It’s pretty much the same as how we feel when it happens to us. This felt sense is at the heart of empathy—we get it. Having to be right isn’t harmless. What can we do instead? We can listen and be present. This makes room for the other person to discover for themselves what they need.
We don’t have to agree or even like the way another person chooses. It can be tough. But when things are hard to accept, it’s a good time for self-compassion. We can ask ourselves, “What am I feeling, what am I needing, and how do I want to take care of myself?” It helps.
[1] To clarify, the “being right” I'm referring to is not about a person applying their knowledge base or expertise to a situation. Instead, I’m referring to times when our experience of needing to be right is informed by how we believe things are supposed to be.
