Need an NVC reset? Here’s an article I wrote for the Changing Self Talk to Self Care Class a few years ago that could be helpful. Any questions, just let me know. With love, ~ Denise.
When Dr. Rosenberg recognized that judgments and blame were a significant factor in understanding violence, he saw that if we look underneath them, we can find out what is really going on. Knowing this, we could change course and find kinder, more helpful communication solutions. As a result, he developed Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (NVC).
NVC transforms judgments (including self-judgments) by using them to find the deeper messages expressed by our feelings and needs. It has a gentle yet fierce curiosity [1] that makes acceptance, self-care, and inner peace possible. To figure out how this works we start by looking at the four foundational principles of NVC.
All human beings (and certainly other beings as well) share a set of universal feelings and needs. This is true despite differences in age, culture, gender, ethnicity, or any other demographic. What this means is that if I tell you that I’m sad you’ll generally have a good idea of what I mean, and vice versa. If I say I need appreciation and understanding, likewise you will generally understand what it is I’m wanting.
(Nearly) [2] everything we do, we do to meet a need.
Feelings and emotions tell us when needs are met—like when we're happy, grateful, peaceful, playful, and so on; or about unmet needs—like when we’re sad, scared, frustrated, and so on. If you’re a highly sensitive person, emotions and feelings as well as body sensations will feel bigger than they might for others. That’s OK.
Embracing our Feelings and Needs
In our culture, feelings and needs are readily considered as irrational and untrustworthy. Many years ago, I remember asking a class to share one need that was important to them. The overwhelming response from many was they believe that to focus on one’s needs is selfish. However, feelings and needs are two key facts all of us humans use to navigate our thinking, speaking, and actions. Feelings and needs express who we are. They’re a thermometer of our well-being. It’s a gift beyond words to find a way to accept and honor them.
Try this: Using a journal, consider asking yourself these questions:
Are there some feelings or needs that I don’t feel I have permission to accept as mine? Which ones?
Are there some feelings or needs that I think are bad? Why?
Are there some that I believe I don’t get to have? Why?
What happens in my body when I’m unable to express difficult feelings and unmet needs?
How would my life be different if I could express these?
[1] We need fierce curiosity because when we are caught in a cycle of inner criticism it takes a kind of fierceness to stay with the difficulty and a strong curiosity to keep looking for exactly what the problem is. And I can give you a hint: The problem is almost never what it seems to be.
[2] Dr. Rosenburg’s observation is everything we do we do to meet a need. Since my experience doesn’t quite match his, I include the word ‘nearly.’
