When I hear people say about NVC, “This is not natural,” I think to myself, “Oh, it is natural, but I’m guessing it’s not habitual!”
We’re born with feelings that bring attention to needs. Babies cry when they’re hungry, tired, wet, or needing care of some sort. Babies usually gurgle happily when they’re comfortable and someone is smiling, playing, and tickling—giving them attention.
If we were all encouraged to notice, feel, and acknowledge our feelings and needs, we would continue that natural connection. Instead, it seems that we learn to stuff, hide, or be embarrassed about our feelings and needs, and we lose connection with them. But they are a natural part of being human.
Another reason I’m uncomfortable with the expression, “This is not natural” is that the way we talk to ourselves is important—and I want an encouraging voice when I’m trying to learn something. If I say, “This is so hard,” I hear that differently than, “I’ll never get this.” For me, “I’ll never get this” is discouraging. “This is hard” sounds descriptive and leaves room for learning. If I say, “This is not natural,” I’m telling myself I’m trying to learn something unnatural. If I say “habitual,” then I’m telling myself that I want to change a habit. Changing a habit is hard, and it’s doable.
When I was volunteering at Deer Ridge Correctional Institution (DRCI), I remember hearing someone say, “I’m just a screw-up.” I’d ask how it would feel to say, “I have screwed up and I’m working on changing?” I’d usually have agreement that the second sounds more hopeful and encouraging…future-oriented and action-oriented.
Sometimes the men at DRCI would talk about their fathers and the way they’d talked to them when they were growing up—saying something like, “You’re such a screw-up.” And that’s the way the men would learn to see themselves. And some fathers would say, “You made a mistake. It happens. Just learn from it.” I noticed the message they heard could mean the difference for someone without hope and hating themselves or someone living with disappointment and regret and working to do better.
I was so struck by this difference that I have strived to notice how I talk to myself and others. I want to encourage learning and growth.
How do you talk to yourself and others? If it’s an encouraging voice, hurrah! If it’s a discouraging voice, how might you change it to better support and inspire yourself and others?
