This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.
Listening to someone who is hurting can be a rare and welcome gift. Listening to suffering can also be challenging; Our hearts often hurt when we are near hurting hearts. Of course, we want to make things better, to reduce their suffering. That can prompt us to give advice, tell them it will be okay, join their judgments, explain, tell our stories, etc. All these actions are attempts to help the person feel better—and sometimes they do.
With Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication we try to first listen to the hurting person with empathy. Empathy in this case is listening with presence and with a focus on understanding the other person’s experience and acknowledging it. It means not judging the person’s experience or “correcting” their thinking. It means quieting oneself to listen for what the person is feeling and what they are needing. Are they hurt, sad, or confused? Do they want love, consideration, or respect? We might reflect back what we’ve heard the person say so the person will know they’ve been heard. We might guess what they are feeling or needing and ask them if those guesses are accurate.
Sometimes people want silent empathy. We can just “be with them” and let them know we are hearing them through our presence, maybe briefly reflecting, i.e., “That sounds hard.”
It’s amazing how we can powerfully help someone through listening. And when they feel heard and acknowledged, they might say, “Thanks for listening. I feel better.”
