This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.
One of the most damaging things about believing the inner critic is that we lose our ability to trust ourselves. Instead, we begin to doubt.
“I’m not loveable.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m not good enough to be accepted.”
Believing the inner critic means we are never really free from shame and unworthiness. This damages our felt sense of value, peace, self-trust, and most of all, safety. Over time this loss separates us from who we truly are.
The inner critic is formed from the judgments made about you and me, and those we love, when were young. Since judgments are one way to punish someone for not doing what they’re “supposed to do,” our brain uses them to try and keep us safe. In this way, we become convinced that our identity is riddled with failures. However, these criticisms are not identity markers. They are simply neural patterns that formed around the opinions of others. They reflect only what the other person believed, not who we really are. And neural patterns can be changed.
If you find yourself floundering in self-criticism, please know that even if underneath it there is a kernel of truth, that kernel does NOT define you. The wholeness of your identity is expressed in your natural gifts, talents, abilities, wisdom, and the totality of your skills and strengths—as well as your experiences. Despite commentary to the contrary, we are not the judgments we carry.
Try choosing a criticism from the list above then use NVC to translate it. Here’s an example:
The statement: A person says, “I’m not loveable.”
Feelings that person might have: Sad, disheartened, discouraged, anxious, scared, shame.
Needs: Self-understanding, self-acceptance, and kindness.
Self-Compassion: In what way might that person offer themselves compassion? Maybe something like this: “Oh Sweetie, I hear how hard it is to think this is true; how much it can hurt. But we don’t have to keep believing this. It’s a habit we can break together.”
Doable request: That person could affirm, “Believing I’m not loveable is about someone else’s judgments, not about me. One step I can take to make a change is to notice when I’m saying this. Then I can stop for a moment and ask, ‘Does this criticism meet my needs for safety and self-acceptance? What could I say that would?”
Would you like to try this practice? If so, let me know how it goes :)
