Self-Connection: Time for Feelings & Needs

January 30, 2023 CCL

B&W photo: view from above person in hoodie on laptop sitting, floor is abstract clock — Photo by Kevin Ku on Unsplash

This post is part of our weekly series of peacemaking practices during the Season of Nonviolence.

As human beings, we rely on our feelings and needs to inform our thinking, speaking, and actions. However, one of the most common challenges we face is having the time to connect with them. Who doesn’t feel rushed or distracted most of the time?

In our culture, it’s common practice to handle overwhelming demands and time constraints by ignoring our feelings and needs. This is one way depression, anxiety, frustration, and depletion become our companions. It’s one reason our mental health gets shaky. Why? Because feelings and needs matter. …

Compassion for Others—and Self

January 24, 2023 Bryn Hazell

Two puffins talking or squabbling in colorful clover patch — Photo by Wynand van Poortvliet on Unsplash

Sometimes I notice a reluctance to have compassion for another person. I might be afraid that if I have compassion for them, I will lose myself and not have my needs met. I may even have a habit of letting compassion for others stop me from having compassion for myself and speaking up for my needs.

For example: Me – “So the reason you said, ‘Shut up’ to me is that you were tired and overwhelmed and your boss just yelled at you. Is that right?”… I used to stop there and not address how hearing, “Shut up” was for me. …

The Gift of Community

December 20, 2022 Denise Torres

Group of Canada Geese flying together against light blue sky — Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash

Dear NVC Friends,

I want to take a moment to tell you how meaningful being part of a practice group is for me! I heard someone say recently they spent a lot of time alone when they were younger and managed it well. And then they found and valued community. I think that’s my story too.

There’s something so very special about belonging, and in particular, belonging to this community—where we learn how to choose inquiry over blame and connection over judgments. …

A Celebration for: Braver Angels!

November 29, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Red white and blue plastic toy dinosaurs against aqua background (street art poster) — Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

For the last 20+ years, I’ve been sharing and practicing Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication because I strongly believe communication is the key to healthier individuals, better relationships, and peaceful resolution of conflict.

I’ve offered—and will continue to offer—classes that help people learn and practice these communication skills that I find so life-changing, life-enriching, and necessary.

Recently I was very excited to learn of a nonprofit called Braver Angels that also teaches people how to listen and speak with the goal of resolving differences nonviolently. Braver Angels is particularly trying to address the Red/Blue divide in the U.S. …

The Enemy!

November 8, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Close up of white king taking down black king. Hand and fingers and chess board with vintage look. — Photo by GR Stocks

It seems that much of political communication these days contains words that characterize the “other” as evil and dangerous. People don’t just disagree: The other side is the “enemy.” I’ve seen this “enemy” labeling language being used by many sides, not just the most extreme groups, and I feel scared and worried about our ability to work out our differences peacefully. When I say peacefully, I don’t mean (necessarily) quietly. I mean courageously, passionately, and with respectful listening, speaking, and communication—and, eventually, collaboration toward strategies.

Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg talked about the danger of enemy images. When people become an “enemy,” they become a “thing,” rather than another complicated human like us. When people become a “thing,” they can be seen as bad or evil, and then violence can become acceptable. I believe we are seeing violence because the “other” has been labeled “evil,” “dangerous,” “anti-American,” and so on.

How can we help foster peace, rather than violence? …

Let in the good—and then share it!

October 25, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Foreground: recently tossed colorful fall leaves, Blurred background: happy person, grey sweater, arms up from leaf tossing — Photo by Jakob Owens

You’re reading this, so I’m guessing you know that Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication encourages us to focus on Feelings and Needs (as well as Observations and Requests).

For most of us, it seems to be easier to focus on times when our needs are not being met. It’s often mentioned that human beings survived by paying attention to potential dangers and warnings when they might be feeling scared, apprehensive, etc. Paying attention to feelings and needs may have meant the difference between life and death.

Acknowledging and getting to know one’s reactions to life (Feelings and Needs) is such important self-knowledge. It helps us see old patterns, stories that we tell ourselves, and how our system interprets the world. We can then learn to grow, change (if helpful), and communicate our life experience to others with more clarity, honesty, and connection. By practicing this, we gain insight to better understand and hear others as well.

I value moments of self-connection, including when needs are not met… and I very much value noticing when needs are met. …

Save or Savor?

October 15, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Yellow sunbeans through park like setting: orange red forest floor covered with fall leaves, bench in distance — Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash

Every morning I awake torn between a desire to save the world and an inclination to savor it. This makes it hard to plan the day. But if we forget to savor the world, what possible reason do we have for saving it? In a way, the savoring must come first. ~ E.B. White

A friend’s email included the above quote this week, and after reading it I said to myself, YES! That’s how I often feel.

I like to start my day with an early morning walk when I can feel the cool air, enjoy the peace, see the morning light, and take in the beauty that surrounds me. Ahh… savor!

Identifying one of my aspirations in life as “saving the world” is not energizing for me. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. It does not inspire me. I do love the quote though, and it got me thinking that rather than saving the world, it’s more motivating for me to think, “What can I do today?” …

Considering Feelings & Needs with Curiosity

September 27, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Campground lights near lake with dark mountain skyline and a time-lapse sky full of starts — Photo by Andrew Coelho on Unsplash

Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication was a revolutionary experience for me 20+ years ago when I first heard Marshall Rosenberg.

The idea that Feelings were signals that brought attention to my Needs (Universal Human Needs) was like discovering the manual for my human operating system.

Feeling all the feelings and getting acquainted with my needs (and guessing other people’s feelings and needs) has been such an extraordinarily helpful frame to better understand myself and others. And most importantly, it has helped create connection between us.

Over the years, I’ve learned to add a step when identifying my feelings and needs. …

Grace

September 14, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Scruffy red and white fox looks up at purple flowers with thoughtful expression, lush green background and foreground — Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

I like the word “Grace.”

I’ve been working on a definition of what it means to me. Here’s my current definition: Accepting the difficulties and challenges that life brings with a peaceful flow of awareness that encourages thoughtful and kind actions.

It’s a feeling and a need for me.

Lately, with the physical, emotional, and mental challenges that aging brings to my life (and to that of many of my friends and family), I’ve been thinking more about grace. …

Say "Yes" by saying "No"

August 29, 2022 Bryn Hazell

When someone asks us to do something, why do we say “Yes” when we want to say “No”?

Here are a few different reasons:

It sounds good at the time I’m asked.
I want to be nice.
I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
I feel like I should do it.
I’m afraid to say no—maybe they’ll get angry.

Maybe you can think of some others that come up for you? …

Making NVC Accessible in the Moment

August 4, 2022 Bryn Hazell

empty train track curves into lush forest — Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

People in our practice groups sometimes express frustration that the skills of NVC are nowhere to be found when needed most—when emotions are running high and violent words are flying. Yes, I’ve had that experience many times as well.

Looking back, I’ve come to realize it’s often those difficult situations that best prepare me for the future. It’s because things have “gone off the tracks” and I’m disappointed about how it went, that I’m motivated to do better. That’s when I sit down and write out all the feelings and needs I have in connection with the “train wreck.” I let myself really feel the feelings and connect to the needs. …

An invitation: to feel, to see, to live

June 21, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Photo by Patrice Bouchard on Unsplash. Closeup of goldfinch on branch with blue and reddish flowers against blurred green background. — Photo by Patrice Bouchard on Unsplash

I wanted to write a paragraph or two about the deep joy of being alive and being present for the beauty life offers. How grateful I am that NVC has encouraged me to be more aware, to consciously take in the needs met in special moments.

I enjoy the goldfinches at the backyard bird feeder outside my window. How delighted I feel to watch these brilliantly yellow birds. The perfect yellow is so intense that I feel a bit shocked and catch my breath at nature's handiwork.

And then I came across "Invitation," a poem by Mary Oliver, who writes so wonderfully what I wanted to say. …

How can we grieve if it's not OK to be sad?

May 24, 2022 Bryn Hazell

Photo by @Ann10 on Unsplash — Photo by Ann on Unsplash

When I was growing up, so-called “negative” emotions were not welcome. “Get over it.” “Put a smile on your face.” “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” “What’s done is done.”

When I started to learn Compassionate Communication, the idea that ALL emotions were valued and connected us to life-serving needs resonated with me. I liked the idea of being “fully alive”—feeling the universal human emotions of joy and happiness, as well as disappointment and grief—and all the rest of the emotions. …

Connecting Requests

May 5, 2022 Bryn Hazell

One of the most helpful ways to communicate with others is by using Connecting Requests. We may be wondering what others heard or think about what we’ve said. When we don’t ask, we may not find out or it may sound like we’re just making a statement rather than seeking connection.

After you’ve shared something with someone, here are a few ways you can check in with the other person:

“What do you think about that?”
“How does that sound to you?”
“How do you feel about what I’ve said?”
“What comes up for you when you hear me say that?”
“I’m not clear where I am with this. Would you be willing to say back what you heard? I think that will help me.”

If you find yourself hesitant to check in with the other person, you can be curious about that—and ask yourself what feelings and needs are coming up for you. …

Celebrating Connection (Thank you, Zoom!)

April 2, 2022 Bryn Hazell

I think it was in March 2020 that Covid started becoming a “thing” that we needed to plan our lives around. For the Center for Compassionate Living (CCL) it meant the end of practice groups and classes at our sweet space on Southwest Industrial Way in Bend. We had just signed a new year-long lease for $850-ish /mo., and we wondered how we were going to make the rent without offering classes, etc. We had a fairly good financial cushion and our community continued to support us as we all waited for things to “get back to normal.” A year later we gave up our space because things were not back to normal, and we didn’t want to continue the financial burden without clarity on when we could meet again in person.

Of course, what “saved” the Center was Zoom, the widely used online videoconferencing software. …

Antidote to Divisiveness

January 13, 2022 Bryn Hazell

“Nine in ten Americans say overcoming divisiveness is now more important than ever before.”

New Public Agenda/USA Today poll April 2021

CCL Board Member Beth Hanson brought this poll result to my attention and wondered if we could encourage people to see our similarities and commonalities as a way to reduce divisiveness. To me, divisiveness results from a loss of human connection.

One of the many gifts of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication is bringing awareness to what we share as Americans, as human beings. NVC acknowledges the commonality of feelings and universal human needs. …

Speaking Your Truth or Sharing Your Experience?

December 30, 2021 Bryn Hazell

Close-up of flashing police car lights — photo credit: Scott Rodgerson on Unsplash

When I hear people say, “Speak your truth,” I feel concerned because the word “truth” seems to be closed more than open. It doesn’t appear to leave room for other perspectives. I like, “Speak your experience” better because it seems more open to me. “Here’s my experience. What’s yours?”

For example, someone might say, “The police are racist and violent.” Another person might say, “The police make us safe and protect us.”

What do you imagine the first person’s experience with the police might be? …

A Snowy Day in December

December 17, 2021 Bryn Hazell

I’m looking out the window at a wintery white landscape with falling snow. A robin is bouncing around on the dark branches of a leafless tree in my front yard. It jumps from branch to branch, turning its head this way and that, searching for any berries that others may have missed. It’s cold outside. The light is gray.

A few years ago, I found a book called, “The Little Book of Hygge” (pronounced HOO-GA). It brought me a wonderful new perspective on winter evenings (and sometimes days), which has enriched my life and I have shared with many others. …

Creating Your Holiday

November 9, 2021 Bryn Hazell

One of the gifts of Compassionate/ Nonviolent Communication is utilizing our knowledge of needs to empower ourselves to live our values. We can choose to create our experience by focusing our actions to be in alignment with what we would like in the world. When needs are met, we feel more joyful, satisfied, and peaceful.

Here’s one example of using intentions and actions to create what you want:

Self-Care. Do your best to stay well-rested and relaxed. Prepare for being with others by listening to music, resting, taking a walk, meditating, etc., so your system will support your peaceful heart and your intentions.
Focus on what needs/ values you want to meet, what experience you would like to have. Set your intention and your actions. For example:
- Self-compassion. Acknowledge your feelings/ needs with friendly caring and without judgment. If you are tired or stressed…

From Anger to Sadness; From Judgment to Compassion

July 27, 2021 Bryn Hazell

“It’s hard to have sympathy for people who are dying of Covid. It’s their own fault!”

Those are the words I heard from a person who usually has lots of empathy and compassion for people and their troubles. I get why they said it.

If I guess their feelings and needs, perhaps:

Feelings: Frustrated, irritated, amazed, confused, confounded, angry.
Needs: Health/life, responsibility, awareness, shared reality.

I understand why he said what he did. We all have the same needs as my acquaintance. My reason for bringing this up is not to correct him (or anyone), but rather to contrast being in judgment with adding compassion to our needs/values. …