People in our practice groups sometimes express frustration that the skills of NVC are nowhere to be found when needed most—when emotions are running high and violent words are flying. Yes, I’ve had that experience many times as well.
Looking back, I’ve come to realize it’s often those difficult situations that best prepare me for the future. It’s because things have “gone off the tracks” and I’m disappointed about how it went, that I’m motivated to do better. That’s when I sit down and write out all the feelings and needs I have in connection with the “train wreck.” I let myself really feel the feelings and connect to the needs.
After that self-empathy, I sit down and write my guesses about what the other person might have been feeling and needing. Often this takes the effort of translating what someone said into feelings and needs. For example, “You never listen,” might translate to they are feeling frustrated and want to be heard. “You care more about your work than you do about me,” might translate to they are feeling sad and hurt and want to matter. I reflect on their feelings and needs.
After I go through this process, I’m often more ready to see that we were both people in pain during the interaction. I want to acknowledge my part in it and my feelings and needs which might sound like, “I feel very sad about the conversation we had the other night. I did not speak to you with the kindness and respect that is so important to me in our relationship. I’ve thought a lot about it and in the future, I will take a time-out when I am upset so I can calm down and have better communication. How are you feeling about this?”
My goal is to come back into connection with my values and to begin to come back into connection with the other person as best I can. I want to hear how they feel and what they need and work toward understanding for both of us.
The more that I’ve done this over the years, the less I’ve needed to do clean up after a verbal train wreck. The more I’ve practiced the process of connecting with feelings and needs, it has become easier to be grounded in emotionally trying times.
How can we access these skills more readily when needed? Practice, practice, practice.
~ Bryn
