Connecting Requests

May 5, 2022 Bryn Hazell

One of the most helpful ways to communicate with others is by using Connecting Requests. We may be wondering what others heard or think about what we’ve said. When we don’t ask, we may not find out or it may sound like we’re just making a statement rather than seeking connection.

After you’ve shared something with someone, here are a few ways you can check in with the other person:

“What do you think about that?”
“How does that sound to you?”
“How do you feel about what I’ve said?”
“What comes up for you when you hear me say that?”
“I’m not clear where I am with this. Would you be willing to say back what you heard? I think that will help me.”

If you find yourself hesitant to check in with the other person, you can be curious about that—and ask yourself what feelings and needs are coming up for you. …

Celebrating Connection (Thank you, Zoom!)

April 2, 2022 Bryn Hazell

I think it was in March 2020 that Covid started becoming a “thing” that we needed to plan our lives around. For the Center for Compassionate Living (CCL) it meant the end of practice groups and classes at our sweet space on Southwest Industrial Way in Bend. We had just signed a new year-long lease for $850-ish /mo., and we wondered how we were going to make the rent without offering classes, etc. We had a fairly good financial cushion and our community continued to support us as we all waited for things to “get back to normal.” A year later we gave up our space because things were not back to normal, and we didn’t want to continue the financial burden without clarity on when we could meet again in person.

Of course, what “saved” the Center was Zoom, the widely used online videoconferencing software. …

Antidote to Divisiveness

January 13, 2022 Bryn Hazell

“Nine in ten Americans say overcoming divisiveness is now more important than ever before.”

New Public Agenda/USA Today poll April 2021

CCL Board Member Beth Hanson brought this poll result to my attention and wondered if we could encourage people to see our similarities and commonalities as a way to reduce divisiveness. To me, divisiveness results from a loss of human connection.

One of the many gifts of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication is bringing awareness to what we share as Americans, as human beings. NVC acknowledges the commonality of feelings and universal human needs. …

Speaking Your Truth or Sharing Your Experience?

December 30, 2021 Bryn Hazell

Close-up of flashing police car lights — photo credit: Scott Rodgerson on Unsplash

When I hear people say, “Speak your truth,” I feel concerned because the word “truth” seems to be closed more than open. It doesn’t appear to leave room for other perspectives. I like, “Speak your experience” better because it seems more open to me. “Here’s my experience. What’s yours?”

For example, someone might say, “The police are racist and violent.” Another person might say, “The police make us safe and protect us.”

What do you imagine the first person’s experience with the police might be? …

A Snowy Day in December

December 17, 2021 Bryn Hazell

I’m looking out the window at a wintery white landscape with falling snow. A robin is bouncing around on the dark branches of a leafless tree in my front yard. It jumps from branch to branch, turning its head this way and that, searching for any berries that others may have missed. It’s cold outside. The light is gray.

A few years ago, I found a book called, “The Little Book of Hygge” (pronounced HOO-GA). It brought me a wonderful new perspective on winter evenings (and sometimes days), which has enriched my life and I have shared with many others. …

Creating Your Holiday

November 9, 2021 Bryn Hazell

One of the gifts of Compassionate/ Nonviolent Communication is utilizing our knowledge of needs to empower ourselves to live our values. We can choose to create our experience by focusing our actions to be in alignment with what we would like in the world. When needs are met, we feel more joyful, satisfied, and peaceful.

Here’s one example of using intentions and actions to create what you want:

Self-Care. Do your best to stay well-rested and relaxed. Prepare for being with others by listening to music, resting, taking a walk, meditating, etc., so your system will support your peaceful heart and your intentions.
Focus on what needs/ values you want to meet, what experience you would like to have. Set your intention and your actions. For example:
- Self-compassion. Acknowledge your feelings/ needs with friendly caring and without judgment. If you are tired or stressed…

From Anger to Sadness; From Judgment to Compassion

July 27, 2021 Bryn Hazell

“It’s hard to have sympathy for people who are dying of Covid. It’s their own fault!”

Those are the words I heard from a person who usually has lots of empathy and compassion for people and their troubles. I get why they said it.

If I guess their feelings and needs, perhaps:

Feelings: Frustrated, irritated, amazed, confused, confounded, angry.
Needs: Health/life, responsibility, awareness, shared reality.

I understand why he said what he did. We all have the same needs as my acquaintance. My reason for bringing this up is not to correct him (or anyone), but rather to contrast being in judgment with adding compassion to our needs/values. …

Understanding Moralistic Judgments; Reflections for this Season of Nonviolence

February 23, 2021 Denise Torres

Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. and the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (NVC), made it his life-long endeavor to bring peace by helping people understand the reasons why reactivity, conflict, and most violence arise. He discovered that moralistic judgments are a significant catalyst to conflict and suffering. …

Thank you from Bryn & Board

December 8, 2020 Bryn Hazell

A couple of days ago I stopped by 803 SW Industrial Way to check Suite 200 and our mail. I check the space periodically to make sure it’s still okay, hasn’t flooded, etc. Everything looked good, and I felt such a mix of happiness and sadness seeing our sweet space. So many wonderful, fun, touching, moving, learning, spiritual, affectionate, astonishing moments many of us have shared in that gentle space, overseen by our scarf-wearing 6’ giraffe. How many times did people say on arriving, “Oh, I just feel better walking into this place!” …

Doable Requests Can Meet Your Needs

September 15, 2020 Bryn Hazell

Compassionate Communication supports acknowledging what’s happening (observations), feeling the feelings that arise from that stimulus, connecting to the needs and values that those feelings signal, and then creating doable requests or actions to meet those needs.

Feeling the feelings and the sensations is such an important part of the process, and yet it is only one step…

Envision a world where needs will be valued equally and met peacefully

June 2, 2020 Bryn Hazell

Today is June 2 and I participated in a demonstration in downtown Bend. Hundreds of people gathered and then marched to show empathy, anger, and grief—calling for change around the issues arising from the death of George Floyd, the black man in Minneapolis who died with a policeman’s knee on his neck.

Many if not most of the people demonstrating appeared to be in their teens, 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. I felt heartened to see so many young people participating. They were calling for racial justice, the end to police brutality, accountability, and valuing Black Lives. Many people in passing cars honked in support.

A few Bend police officers were there to “make sure everyone gets to go home safely” as one officer said to me. I saw these police engaged in friendly conversation with demonstrators and then stepping in when traffic help was needed to make sure cars and pedestrians could all pass. They were there to protect.

One of the tenets of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication is that we envision a world where all people’s needs will be valued equally and met peacefully. Today’s demonstration and the following statement help to bring me hope and encouragement.

Message from Bend Police Chief Jim Porter: …

When You Hit a Wall

April 15, 2020 Denise Torres

At the last practice group, there were a few people who talked about hitting a wall sometime this past week, and I was one of them. I want to share that experience with you.

The whole day long I carried this unclear but ever-present sense of anxiety. (It wasn’t because of anything in particular. My guess is that it was because of everything.) With the anxiety came restlessness and dissatisfaction. Nothing seemed interesting. I was so caught up in the discomfort it became the thing that informed everything else.

Later in the evening, I decided to flip through the photo gallery on my phone—hoping for something uplifting—and I ran across a photo of some board work I had done in one of my classes. Yes, that’s right, one of my classes: I was teaching others something that I myself had totally lost sight of all day long. Although I had already told myself I could drown my feelings by reading a book, and even though I really wanted to read the book, I thought, “You know what to do.” So I put the novel aside and got out my journal. …

What to do when you don't have a sense of control

March 15, 2020 Bryn Hazell

Wow! It was just a few weeks ago that some of us were thinking, “Could things get any crazier?” Well, the answer is obviously, “Yes!” I find it hard to take it in, and rather than overwhelmed, I feel some flavor of “shocked,” sort of like watching wide-eyed and open-mouthed without even having the ability to process it all.

I have learned to ration my news intake, finding my ability to notice a bodily feeling of dis-ease as a sign to turn off the news …

How to Cultivate More Inner Peace

November 1, 2019 Denise Torres

Suggestions from the Tuesday Practice Group:

Leave for appointments early. Allow time so no rushing needed.
Put things in their place so when I go to find them, they are there.
Balance order with ease—what’s my balance for inner peace?
Remind myself what I have influence and control over and what I don’t. What’s mine? What’s not mine? …

From "Changing Self Talk Into Self Care": More on Working with the Inner Critic

October 1, 2019 Denise Torres

From the Changing Self Talk to Self Care workshop

Marshall Rosenberg, in his book, Nonviolent Communication, helps us to understand how feelings of inner ease and peace arise when we “see” and accept who we are just as we are. On the other hand, when we attack ourselves with judgment, blame, shame, guilt, or threats we don’t see or accept ourselves as we are. The impact of this is its own kind of violence, yes? To help us untangle our inner criticisms we first apply these important facts to our situation. …

Out from the Back of the Cabinet

July 1, 2019 Denise Torres

Adapted from https://www.flickr.com/photos/ursonate/5057644252. Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

This past week Mike and I had the somewhat arduous task of mouse proofing our house. Because we were in some denial about how significant the problem was we thought just getting a couple of humane mouse “traps” would do the trick. I think this was because we really, really didn’t want to take out each and every single thing from all the kitchen cabinets. And, of course, that is precisely what we ended up doing. …

Celebration, Gratitude and (What?) a Drawing for a Free Book!

May 31, 2019 Bryn Hazell

We are delighted to report that our initial request for people to participate in our Circle of Friends of the Center for Compassionate Living brought in an additional $120/month! So, we now have $470/month in automatic deposits towards our $1000/month goal of monthly donors to create a more dependable, sustainable income for the Center.

What's This About a Book Give-Away?…

Circle of Friends

May 1, 2019 CCL

Beth Hanson, Co-Founder, Board Member, Secretary

Dear Friends of the Center for Compassionate Living,

We write to you today with a touch of anxiety and mostly a sense of hope and trust. Our expenses at the Center for Compassionate Living are exceeding our revenue. …

Working with the Inner Critic

April 1, 2019 Bryn Hazell

My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone.”

~ Anne Lamott

Why is our mind sometimes like a bad neighborhood?

Here are two possible reasons: The first is that over the years our brain has evolved so that it can take shortcuts called neuro-habits. …

One of the Most Important Human Needs: To Help Others

March 1, 2019 Bryn Hazell

Not only did we have bountiful snow this past week, but we also had bountiful needs met by all of the many helping hands and hearts that showed up.

Friends and family members told me stories of neighbors jumping in to help with shoveling, snow blowing, and roof raking. One friend who finds it hard to ask for help was so worried about the deepening snow on the roof that she screwed up her courage and requested to borrow a roof rake—and was happily rewarded when the owners were delighted to be asked. …