Understanding Moralistic Judgments; Reflections for this Season of Nonviolence1
by Denise Torres
Marshall Rosenberg, PhD. and the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (NVC)2 made it his life-long endeavor to bring peace by helping people understand the reasons why reactivity, conflict, and most violence arise. He discovered that moralistic judgments are a significant catalyst to conflict and suffering.
In his book, Dr. Rosenberg wrote:
Life alienating communication… traps us into a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness—a world of judgments. It is a language rich with words that classify and dichotomize people and their actions. When we speak this language, we judge others and their behavior while preoccupying ourselves with who’s good, bad, normal, abnormal, responsible, irresponsible, smart, ignorant, etc.3
For him (and I would offer, for most all of us) moralistic judgments say or imply the wrongness or badness of people who don’t act or seem to be in harmony with our values and beliefs. These judgments sound like: “The problem with you is that you’re selfish.” “Sofia is lazy—that’s how they all are.” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” “She is too sensitive!” “That’s so stupid.” Or like labels—for example, fag, nigger, fatso, bitch, ugly, slob, idiot, screwup.
As Dr. Rosenberg observes, our culture teaches us how to think this way and to use these negative judgments in part, to stop the discomfort we feel around others who don’t appear to share our values. These are called moralistic judgments because they’re based on beliefs about who is right or wrong and who is good or bad.
With our culture’s permission, we use moralistic judgments regularly. Any time we call someone a name or force an issue because we believe we are right, or we judge or dismiss another’s beliefs, appearance, or behavior as bad or wrong we are making moralistic judgments.
It’s also clear that the permission to apply moralistic judgments plays out in our social institutions and communities. Let’s look at it this way. From the time we are small we learn that we are more likely to belong if we get A’s or B’s on our report card; or if we are thinner, have money, live as our gender assignment would indicate, are able-bodied, are cisgender and male, have the preferred skin color, only choose partners of the “opposite” sex, are financially stable, and so on.
Here’s what I’ve learned from being on the receiving end of these kinds of judgments:
When there was acceptance, it acted as a reward; and, for the time being, allowed me access to resources, equity, respect, and inclusiveness. It provided ease, and a measure of safety, community, and connection. For that time, I belonged. However, I always felt that this acceptance was conditional, and with one mistake it could change at any time. It definitely had a “don’t rock the boat” quality. (It’s no wondered my greatest fear in life for so long was that I might make a mistake.)
Nonacceptance was a punishment.4 The result (for me) was a lack of access to these same resources, inequity, lack of respect, blame, alienation, labeling, discrimination, and one instance of physical violence, all of which have had a lifelong impact. For me, it triggered a deep sadness and loneliness, grief, fear, a feeling of being lost, not connected, not wanted, wariness, sometimes hopelessness, and fierce anger. This is how I felt and still feel about those times.
The conclusion I come to is this: moralistic judgments cause individuals (like me) harm and cause suffering. Collectively, they promote, sustain, and perpetuate individual and community acceptance or rejection of each other and groups based on beliefs—about race/heritage (like me and my family of origin), gender itself (like me as a woman), choice of sexual partners, gender identity, level of income (like me and my family of origin), among many other parameters. Racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, ableism, ageism, bodyism, transphobia (and so on) —and the radical harm they cause—are the real-life experiences of those rejected based on moralistic judgments. This is my experience.
Yet, this is not just my experience or the experience of those who do not meet the specific cultural standards expressed above. If you have ever felt discriminated against, had a “supervisor only” performance review, made less than your co-workers, or were not promoted because you appeared different; if you were blamed for the misfortune of others for that same reason; if your suggestions or ideas were consistently disregarded, or you were told, “What’s wrong with you?” “Get off it,” or “Just do it;” if you have been called names, or found yourself thinking, “Why am I always the one who’s wrong?”—I would say you also have been on the receiving end of moralistic judgments. It is dreadfully clear that many of us have suffered greatly as a result, and there have been so many who have died… who are still dying.
I invite you to consider this:
- The words we use are the words we think, and the words we think navigate our lives.
- Our thinking (and therefore our speaking) is informed in part by the rules and beliefs we’ve been taught regarding who is right, who is wrong, who is good, and who is bad.5
- Collectively communities use this as a measure of who belongs and who does not, and sometimes we do too.
- This is a cause of great suffering and harm.
What I am wishing for, wanting, and with my whole being hoping for is that collectively we begin to acknowledge that moralistic judgments cause harm no matter which way they are directed; and to begin to see that they give life to the oppression and social injustice we experience in our communities and in our lives. Maybe we can ask ourselves, “What would happen to discrimination (on all levels) if we stopped using them?” Because it can happen. There are so many ways this can happen, once we see what we need to do. My path has been Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
I would say the most significant gift I’ve experienced as a student and teacher of NVC has been the freedom that comes from being seen and heard without judgment. It brought light into the dark moments of prejudice and discrimination I’ve endured. Through deep listening, understanding, and acceptance my NVC community gave me the gift of me. All of me. Finally.
The freedom that comes with this is powerful, one that can’t ever be found in right/wrong thinking. It’s a freedom that knows there is nothing fiercer and more formidable than unconditional love, and there is nothing more courageous than compassion. Knowing this in my bones it is clear to me—NVC brings life-affirming change for each of us, and it is a path for change and healing in our communities too.
[1]
This season marks the annual 64 calendar days between the memorial anniversary of the assassination of Mohandas K. Gandhi on January 30 and that of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. on April 4. It teaches that every person can move the world forward in the direction of peace through daily nonviolent choices and actions.
[2]
“Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication [for many] is both a spiritual practice that helps us see our common humanity, using our power in a way that honors everyone's needs, and a concrete set of skills which help us create life-serving families and communities.” https://www.cnvc.org/learn-nvc/what-is-nvc
[3]
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life pg. 16 (Kindle version)
[4]
Pg. 15
[5]
Since I want a world where beliefs do not become facts on their own, I like the idea of changing the word right into accurate and wrong into inaccurate. I’ve also translated the word good to mean creates or allows for something beneficial or helpful and bad into causes harm, and specifically, quantifiable (measurable) harm.
