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Not all roads in life are smoothly paved, as we know. Some are muddy or gravelly or have huge ditches. Sometimes trees have fallen across them or there are live wires nearby. These challenging times can become part of the inner voice that reminds us that bad things happen.
This same voice tells us that terrible things will probably continue to happen, and this worry pushes us to figure out how we can try to prevent them. It’s how the brain’s negativity bias works. …
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I recently wrote an article titled “Do something!” The gist was if we have an unmet need, the action step of NVC—the request—is how we meet the need and how we move from frustration and helplessness toward satisfaction and relief.
For much of my life, I felt helpless when my needs were not met. NVC changed my life by teaching me that I can take action to meet my needs. … If taking a step to meet a need seems to be more than we can manage, then perhaps the first step is to build capacity. …
Read moreTo introduce this article written by Roxy Manning, PhD, I’d like to share a short story about racism and innocence.
Many years ago, I was at the General Assembly for the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA). The speaker that day was Rev. Rebecca Parker, who was at that time president of the UUA. During her talk, she shared an experience she had while attending a conference on racism.
In one of the workshops, the two presenters, both African American women historians, spoke about the political history of Black women in the United States. …
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A few days ago I received a newsletter from Rick Hanson, PhD entitled “Feed the Wolf of Love.”
It provides a helpful reminder (especially during this election season)…
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“Do something!”
You may have heard these words in connection with Kamala Harris and Michelle Obama’s recent Democratic National Convention speeches. They urged people who might be discouraged or distressed by political events to “Do something!” Take action to address the situation rather than feel hopeless.
I think of, “Do something” as a doable request, the fourth step in Nonviolent Communication. “Do something” is an action that can be asked of yourself or someone else to meet the needs you would like to have met. …
Read moreI’d like to share a recommendation from my dear friend, Eliza: To Be In Awe— WISDOM from a 96-year-old. This film features Dot Fisher-Smith, an elder from Ashland, Oregon. She's invited to speak about her life today, and I think she does this with a great deal of beauty, calm, and awe. …
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Today I’m passing along a link to a podcast I came across and often revisit: People I (Mostly) Admire.
This episode in particular—Pay Attention! (Your Body Will Thank You)—was eye-opening because it helped me realize how I’ve been carrying around various stories blocking me from seeing who I truly can be.
In this case, it was my experience of being 70 years old. I didn’t realize I’d told myself a story about being 70—about what happens when you’re this age, i.e., “It’s all downhill from here,” and how life will get progressively harder. …
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“You make me so mad!” “It’s your fault I’m cranky!” “You ruined my day!”
In our culture we have patterns of speech and thought that give other people responsibility for our feelings, i.e., “You make me feel; he makes me feel; I made her feel…” That thinking creates a lot of disconnection between us and within ourselves.
In the consciousness of Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we aren’t the cause of someone’s feelings. The cause is needs being met or unmet. …
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I was going through some of the newsletter articles we’ve collected on our website when I came across this poem,: “Peace is This Moment Without Judgment,” by Dorothy Hunt, which is worth sharing again.
Peace is this moment without judgment. So, without expectations and blame. Without shoulds, have-to’s, and musts. And without trying to be something I am not.
In this poem, the poet tells us that the heart space is the place where everything is welcome. This can be challenging because not everything that arrives here is happy and wonderful. …
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When Covid came along in March 2020, our way of life at the Center for Compassionate Living (CCL) came to an abrupt halt. In-person practice groups, classes, and workshops were on hiatus. Thankfully, it was not too long before we learned about Zoom—and we were gratefully reconnected with many in our community. Four years later, we are still Zooming with participants from an array of geographic locations.
Donations from our community (and a pre-Covid healthy bank balance) have kept us going. However, our bank balance is now less than feels comfortable, so we’re reaching out for support.. …
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A few weeks ago, I wrote about how the dictum “work before play” made sure that “everyday needs” would win out over my needs for fun and play nearly every time. Once I realized this, I immediately saw this “work ethic” as a self-limiting belief, and I set about to make a change.
It’s been fun! It’s also been very eye-opening. …
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What can we do when there is an escalating argument and both people are feeling increasingly angry and frustrated? Emotions are high and getting higher!
It’s a situation that’s likely familiar to all of us. …
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When you have a need that you are seeking to meet but the seeking becomes insistent, like a demand, what then? This is what I’ve experienced.
The negative energy (and the stories I tell myself) that go with an unmet need creates a kind of hypervigilance—an intensity about getting the need met, and a fearfulness that it won't be.
I become attached to a particular outcome. …
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When we’re learning Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication, we practice with the four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Practicing these steps, learning the vocabulary, clarifying what’s a feeling, what’s a need, and what’s a request is more complicated than it seems at first.
However, practice does work, and eventually, those steps become easier… Finally, requests and observations can be made in more conversational language.
But it turns out there’s still more to do to prepare for a connecting conversation! …
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Several weeks ago, I ran into a YouTube video from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. In this video, she invited viewers to join her in her practice of writing letters to Love. I decided to try this. Here is one of my letters and Love’s response.
Read moreDear Love,
Please tell me about my daughter and about being sad. …
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Breaking a Rule
Earlier this year I wrote an article for the newsletter that shared the needs I most want to meet this year: fun, curiosity, vitality, adventure, awe, and play, and how I want to meet them. This morning I’ve realized how easy it is to let the day go and not include them—that doing the things I would most love to do has been second in line to the things that just need doing. In a weird way, it’s like putting myself second. Oof!
What I want to do is to safeguard these needs from getting lost. I thought, “Well, maybe I can put notifications on my phone.” I could tell right away that this would trigger a have-to approach in responding to any of them.
Then I wondered, “Why are my needs for fun and delight taking second place?” …
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In a recent practice group, we had a very interesting discussion about a topic where there was a wide variety of perspectives.
We considered the question, “What feelings and needs come up with the situation of one partner in a marriage having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?” (I realize this question would be phrased differently for same-sex couples.)
This question allowed us to explore a topic from the NVC perspective of Feelings and Needs, rather than it being “wrong” or “right.” The question led to curiosity and affinity, rather than judgment. …
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As 2023 has come to a close and 2024 opened its doors, I’ve been giving consideration to what I want for this coming year. I know many people think about this as setting a New Year’s resolution, but as my friend Genevieve says, “That can be tricky.” If we’re not careful we can easily set a perfectionistic goal instead of one that’s doable. Because I too am a recovering perfectionist, this is something I want to avoid.
I’d been mulling this over when another friend, Suz, told me how she would answer this question. She said instead of focusing on a fixed goal she might ask herself, “For this new year, what needs do I have that continue to remain unmet?”
This got me thinking. What are my needs for the new year? What are the first steps? And how will I know when they’re met? For me, there’s a lot of flow, ease, and permission-giving in approaching the big question this way. So, I decided to give it a try, and I’d like to share my answers with you. …
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In the old days before NVC, I would find out that I was tired and grumpy AFTER I had done something that I regretted. (And of course, sometimes I still do this because I’m a HUMAN).
However, more often now I recognize how I’m feeling (thanks to a lot of practice). Not only can I connect to myself with some compassion, but I can also communicate to others what’s going on and they don’t have to try to figure out, “What they did” or “Is she mad?” or whatever stories might make sense of my behavior. …
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One of our practice groups has been exploring the NVC process for things we regret.
It begins with making an observation (just the facts) about what we did.
We then connect with the feelings we experience now as we think about what we did then. (Feelings sheet.)
We then connect with the needs/values that were not met by what we did. (Needs sheet.)
After deeply connecting with these feelings and needs (sitting with them), we think back to the time we did what we now regret. …
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Center for Compassionate Living
c/o Denise Torres
1516 NE Locksley Drive
Bend, OR 97701
541-350-6517